One year ago today....

 

(Me ready to pop! Pregnant with Grayson, about 38 weeks)

I was laying on the couch 39 weeks pregnant and instead of anxiously waiting for my son to be born, I was mourning the loss of my father. Instead of relishing in the fact that Grayson Ryan would be here any day, I rested my hands on my stomach and sobbed. I cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I feared for the stress I was putting on his tiny body. I feared that he would feel the pain I was feeling. Could he feel my heart breaking? My heart shattering into a million tiny pieces? I couldn't stop it. The tears rolled down my face, my body shook with sadness, it was uncontrollable. I was in shock, I was sad. Nothing anyone could say would make me feel better. The only thing that provided me with some peace was rubbing my very round pregnant stomach, knowing my son would make his appearance when the world was safe for him. 

 (Bella, this was my dad's screen saver on his cell phone when he died. He LOVED this picture of her. I texted it to him because she had taken her shirt off and was singing and dancing around. We were having a great day that day and he loved it!)

Today is really just another day, it was a day I missed my dad, it was a day I wished I could call him. It was a day I tried to recall his voice and listen through the madness or every day activities to hear what he might be trying to tell me. Sometimes I can hear him, sometimes I can feel him. Today was no different. I  kept myself overly busy for fear that I might just break down any minute. In all honesty, I try not to cry during the day. I try to just wait until everyone else is in bed and I'm alone. Sometimes I lay in bed and cry after Ryan is asleep. Sometimes I cry during nap time when I'm alone. It's when I'm alone, when life is silent that I miss him the most, that I allow myself to break down. I don't want the kids to see me sad. What I want more than anything is not to have to explain to my very aware, very smart, attentive 2 1/2 year old why her mama is sad and crying. It's a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. It's a hard thing for me to understand why my dad died or what went wrong during those few days. How on earth would you explain that to someone when you can't fully understand it yourself? 

Two days after my dad died, my son decided it was time. It was time to give me hope once again. It was time to take my focus off of my sadness and onto happiness. That would be my dad, never sulking in sadness for long, always moving toward the positive. It was when I was in labor that we officially decided to change Grayson's middle name from Ryan to John after my dad. I'm lucky, my husband is a lot like my dad. He's a good, solid, hardworking, dedicated man. He likes his wife to be happy. I cried, I was sad to not give our firstborn son his father's name. His daddy is an amazing man. I was sad to be naming my son after my father because he was no longer here. But giving him my dad's name also brought me happiness, it was a way to honor him, to let him live on in my family, in my life. 

So today and every day I miss my dad. It's really no different. Today, my wish is that my son turns into everything his Papa John was and more. Which also means that he'll be like his daddy. Ryan and my dad are so much alike in so many ways. More than anything they have deep hearts, they love unconditionally, they provide support when you need it most, they know when to back away, they work hard, they are strong willed, they are positive people who seek good first, they drink milk with their meals, they are meat and potato kind of guys, jean and t-shirt wearing dudes, they are smart, they both research everything until you can't research anymore. My dad was a good man, that's why I married a man so much like him. I hope I can keep his spirit alive in both of my little people. 

(The date is wrong but this was a picture at Germaine's Luau. We went there after my wedding. I drank too much and I'm sure so did Dad!This is his famous stretched arm shot. I try to master it but I'm no where near as good!)

~today is the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death

My little bug

Dear Bella,
It's been awhile since I wrote you a letter on my blog and it's about due time. You are growing into such a bright little girl. When you were born, I fell instantly in love with you and thought I could never love you more. I was wrong (I rarely admit that so take note!). I love you more today than I loved you then, I'll love you more tomorrow then I love you today, I'll love you more next week then I loved you tomorrow... and so it goes.

 That picture is of you and your little friend Olivia. You are precious when it comes to little babies. You love them! Any time you hear a baby crying, you say something. You want to fix it, make it better, hold them, love them, pat them. You are such a little mama. When Grayson cries, you say "What's the matter baby?" It's adorable! He loves you too. I hope someday you grow up to be best friends like Mama and Auntie Jackie and Mama and Uncle John. Siblings are a special thing and I'm so happy Daddy and I were able to give you Grayson. You are so concerned for him. Yesterday, you were both super quiet so I knew you must be up to something. I came into the living room and you were crushing up your potato chips and feeding them to him. I know he really enjoyed those crushed Ruffles sour cream and cheese chips!

 Here's another picture of you. This of you in your new car seat. You were so happy to have it and that it had cup holders and that it was pink. You usually bring a baby doll everywhere you go :) You love the owl hat that Aunt CeeCee and her little family bought for you. You always say "Mom, who bought me this?" and I usually always have an answer. Lately you've been saying "Mom can I say thank you to Grayson for buying me this?" and I say "of course". You then look at Grayson and say "thank you baby Grayson for buying me _____" I love it! Such nice manners you have my sweet little girl.

This is the first time you actually pedaled a tricycle. It's a small little plastic one that Grandpa Dominic got you from a rummage. It was rainy and cold this day but you really wanted to go outside. I bundled you and Grayson up and out we went for about 20 minutes. Grayson hung out in the cozy coupe car and you tried and tried to ride this trike until you finally got it. I was SO super proud of you for trying so hard! What a strong girl you are becoming.

Yesterday you said some very precious things. Daddy gave you a cookie in the car. You said "I'm a really lucky girl". It was so sweet. Daddy and I asked you why and you said because you got a cookie. I was putting laundry away in the bedroom and you were laying on the bed with Daddy and Grayson. You were laying on my pillow eating a sucker just watching me. You stopped and said "Mama your beautiful". It brought tears to my eyes to hear you say that. I said "thank you so much Bella that made my day. You are beautiful too!" We both giggled, you went about watching me and eating your sucker, I went about watching you guys play and putting away laundry. I'm so happy that you know the word beautiful and you know what it means.

You are beautiful. You are beautiful on the outside. You have big hazel eyes with long eyelashes. You have a sweet little button nose. You have silky shiny blond hair. You have chubby wide feet with chubby little toes. You have two precious hands and five adorable fingers. More important than all of that, you are beautiful on the inside. You have a heart of gold. You are strong and stubborn, it helps you grow. You are caring and kind. You are considerate and aware of others around you. You are learning to share with your brother. You love your cousins. You love to skype with the people that you love. You ask questions and pay attention to the answers. You are more beautiful than you will ever know!

I am so proud to be your mama, I'm so happy that you chose me, that you chose us. You are the light of my life and I love you to the ends of the earth. I'm proud of you, my sweet Bella bug. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I'm so glad I get to be here with you, to watch you learn and grow, to help you figure out the world around you. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love always,
Your Mama

~Bella Kailani is 2 yrs 7 months old

Tiny bubs

Do you notice a theme when I talk about the handsome boy in my life? He's always called some sort of tiny, tiny boy, tiny bubs, tiny man, tiny... he's anything BUT tiny. In my heart, he'll always be my tiny boy. Even if we end up having another boy in the future, Grayson will be the first tiny boy that stole my heart and then who knows maybe the next baby will be my big baby or my big boy :)

 Age: 11 months

Weight: BIG, ok probably like 23 lbs

Height: 31 inches (98%) at his last check up

Size: A few 12 month outfits but mostly 18 month clothes and size 4 shoes

Teeth: In about 2 weeks, he grew 3 more teeth so now he has 4. Two on the top that are still small and two on the bottom.

Sleeping: Not so good lately, he did great for awhile and then the streak broke. Now he goes down around 7pm and cries around 1030 and then again around midnight and then between 4 and 6. We usually leave him and let him fuss himself back to sleep unless it's after 4, then I'll go in, nurse him and put him back to bed. He's steadily fighting his morning nap, Mama is sad to see it go. I love the two naps a day :) He's napping from about 1130 or 12 until about 230pm.

Eating:  Does toilet paper and tissue count? It's fiber, right? I swear the kid will find the teeniest, tiniest schniblet (yep that's a word) of tissue and it's in his mouth. He was even pick pocketing his daddy so he could get some tissue. 

On a more real note, he's eating like a mad man. He'll eat just about everything. One thing is for sure, he's total opposite of his sister. He LOVES meat! She's different, she says "is this meat?" We say "No honey, it's chicken"(that's not a lie, I mean chicken is meat, but we're just avoiding her question and instead responding by exactly what type of meat it is). She generally responds "I don't like it" and spits it out. Him on the other hand, he LOVES meat and will pick all the meat off his tray before eating veggies. 

As far as nursing, still every 3-4 hours and now he's requesting it with intent. He leans forward if he's sitting on my lap and wants to nurse. He'll cuddle right next to me and turn his head with my shirt on. He's even tried to undo my nursing tank.  The only time he likes to nurse for longer than 5-7 minutes is at night or when he's really tired.

Movement: He's cruising along furniture now. He'll stand up and then bend over to pick things up and then stand again. He's stood a few times here and there for a little bit at a time.

Milestones: Way more teeth, eating much more solid food and loving his sister more than ever.

Favorite toys: The ride on toy my mom got him for Christmas. He likes to sit next to it and bang the seat because it makes a fun noise.

Dislikes: When he doesn't get his way. He's getting more vocal about being mad. When he's in his crib, he lays on his tummy and kicks his feet hard onto the mattress.

Words/sounds: Mama, dada and TONS of babbling!

A day in my life...

Yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, got ready for work, got in the car and cried all the way to work. I miss my dad. Yesterday was February 8, it's not like it was a "mark" or anything. It was just one of those days that it really hit me that I miss my dad. Maybe it's because a couple of days before that I hit 3 and send on my phone only to realize that 3 no longer called anyone... It was previously programmed to be my dad's cell phone number because the #3 on the phone is also the letter D.. D is for Dad... yeah I'm crazy and that's how I decide how to program speed dials :)

I finally pulled it together before I walked in to work. The day went as usual. I took care of kiddos and their families. Some of which were also struggling with the loss of someone very close to them. I pushed the emotions away and went on with my day. Continued to take care of kids, took care of their families, talked with other staff, ate, pumped, used the bathroom in the extra seconds I had before doing it all over and over again for 12.5 hours.

At the end of the day, I was talking about how the breast pump in the back wasn't working like it should. It kept shutting down after the letdown cycle. I was asking who I needed to call in order to get it fixed. Someone responded "God, how old is your kid already? Aren't you done nursing him yet?" I replied "He's almost 11 months and nope I'm not down nursing him yet. I hope to make it until he's 1 and then we'll just go from there"... to which she responded "OMG that's disgusting. I would never nurse past 6 months, I would just give them formula and be done with it. That's so nasty." Really, since when is nursing my child disgusting and nasty? I continued on with "It's not that I think formula is poison but why would I give my kid formula when he does great on breast milk, it's free, natural and I know exactly what's in it?" She just said "That's just sick, when he's old enough to sit up and look at me, then he should be done"... well last time I check, the very FIRST time I nursed my son, he looked right into my eyes, we bonded. His tiny body was curled in right next to my chest, I was feeding him, providing everything his little body and brain needed to grow up strong and healthy. I'm not saying formula feeding moms aren't providing for their kids but I AM saying it's my choice how I chose to feed my child. I'll support any mom now matter how she choses to feed her baby. That said, for me and my babies, I've been blessed to be able to nurse them both well into their life (13 1/2 months for Bella and so far almost 11 months-and still going- for Grayson). I feel proud to know that I am able to provide for them. I've also provided 256 oz to another baby so she can grow too. I'm proud to be a breastfeeding mom. It works for me and my family. Show some love for women around you, support them NO matter their choice of food for their child.

Randomness

There's no rhyme or reason for this blog just a little update with a few pictures of my loves. This is Bella a few months ago playing dress up in her daddy's shorts.

 This is a little dress she found when we went to a local play area and she wore it the entire time she played. She loved it. I captured her crawling through the tunnel :)

 This picture is when her daddy was giving her a little foot rub. What a lucky lady! They were pretending he was Steve the massage guy and she was some lady that came in to get a foot rub. Her newest thing "my leg hurts, I need you to rub it"... here we go!

 One of the only pictures I captured of them together on Christmas morning in their matching jammies. They were SOOOO cute! I made every attempt to get a decent picture with about 50 fails. I guess this is better than nothing. With a 2 1/2 year old and 9 month old, I guess I should take what I can get!

 Uh yeah so Santa didn't eat his gingerbread cookie so the kid with no teeth and a giant appetite finished it up for him. Did I mention he has 2 teeth now?!

My tiny boy isn't so tiny... wait was he ever tiny?!

My little Grayson John isn't so little. He's growing so fast. I've been cherishing each minute with him. He's really brought an endless amount of joy to my life and healing to my heart. Just two days ago, I was crushed, it marked 10 months since my dad died. Each milestone that my son hits is a constant reminder that my dad has been gone that much longer. That he's not here for me to call and tell about each milestone. I hate that, I really hate that. I'm crying as I type this because I really just want to write this blog and be reminded that my son is growing. He's growing fast and steady... let's be real for a few seconds. I'm so thankful that he came when he did or I might have been in a deep depression, instead he came, he reminded me that life comes full circle. When one door closes, your heart might crush into a million and a half pieces... BUT another door might open so widely, your heart my burst with complete joy and happiness....

 Age: 10 months

Weight: um.. I'm a bad mom, I think it was 21 lbs and 12 oz... I think!

Height: 31 inches (98%)

Size: moving on up... yeah so he's quickly outgrowing the 12 month outfits, we're retiring them left and right these days and bring out the 18 month stuff.. 18 months? My baby is only 10 months people!

Teeth: one on his bottom right, it's SO adorable. It's even better since he hasn't bit me while nursing :)

Sleeping: I HATE to type this for fear that all hell will break lose but he's been going down at 6:30pm or 7pm and sleeping until (hold your breath) 5:30am and sometimes even 6!! I feel like a whole new woman when I'm getting sleep. He's still napping twice a day too, usually from 8:30-9:30 and from 12:30-2.

Eating: Anything he can possibly get in his mouth! He'll steal it from his sister, he'll take something that I've sat on the table when I'm not looking, if it looks like food, he tastes it to see if it might be food. Yep, he's a growing boy, he's OUR growing boy and we love him! He's picky though, one minute he likes something and the next he's not a fan. He doesn't seem to have any favorites that we've noticed. He just likes to eat! He's still nursing every 3-4 hours but for a much shorter time now. He's very quick, like so quick he's done in about 5-7 minutes each time.

Movement: He's crawling EVERYWHERE! He's pulling up on everything and he gets to his knees without any issues. He stands if you hold his hands but he's not cruising along furniture yet.

Milestones: Getting a tooth, crawling, pulling up, saying mama, dada and babbling a ton!!

Favorite toys: he likes anything and everything, he loves putting blankets in his mouth and yanking them out. It must feel good on his teeth/gums

Dislikes: When mama or daddy walk away and leave him in another room, when sister doesn't let him steal things from her :)

Words/sounds: Mama, dada and TONS of babbling!

The Serenity Prayer

My dad lived by it, he had coffee mugs with it written on the side, he agreed with what it said... Some things we can't change... two year olds and their stubbornness is one of them!

She's cute isn't she? The ponytails, the GIANT piercing blue eyes, the little button nose, the ice cream dripping between her fingers, off her hand and onto the table... you just want to squeeze her, don't you?! Well this picture doesn't show off her sassiness, her stubbornness, her Attitude with a capital A! She looks so sweet and innocent... oh my friends... oh my friends...

Today here's a little of our conversation: Bella yells and flails as she's getting into her car seat screaming at the top of her lungs "I DO IT BY MYSELFFFF". Daddy replies "come on Bella, daddy has to get you buckled, sit down please"... flailing and screaming continues... She kicks the back of the car seat and yells "OWIE". Daddy replies "That's karma". Bella replies "That is NOT karma"... to which Ryan and I break into endless laughter. The rest of the day she continues to say "that is NOT karma"... as if she really knows what karma means :)

Another conversation: Bella "I'm not tired". Mama responds "Bella please lay down and take a nap, you need to have some quiet time. After you take a nap, we can go swimming." Bella "I'm just not tired, we'll go swimming now." Mama says "Bella, we all need to take a nap before we go swimming". I kissed her and left the room with her sitting at the edge of her bed. She opened the door, peeked out, closed the door for about 2 mins then continued. She came out of the room about 15 minutes later and said "Mama I peed on the carpet". Mama "Why did you pee on the carpet?" Bella says "I no pee on the carpet, I need to go potty now". I take her to the potty, she goes potty, during which she says "You don't help me, I can do it by myself". One hour later, she's asleep in her bed.

(this picture is from our mommy, daddy, Bella date day. It shows her independence. She didn't want anyone to help her climbing up to the slippery ladder to go down the slide)

We went to the pool after nap. The water was 80 degrees which is by no means warm when you are standing in a pool with two little ones. We tried to make it fun but it was pretty cold. Bella said "I'll go get dressed and we'll go home"... really? We're trying to do something fun as a family.

Just a couple of days ago she yelled from the backseat "Hey everybody, I need some milk!!"... um the only people in the car were Grayson, Ryan and I. Who exactly was everybody?? She meant business and she wanted her milk asap!

More funny sayings: Mama to Bella "Come on Sassafrass". Her response "I not Sassafrass Mama, YOU a Sassafrass".

So yes, I'm calling on the serenity prayer. I have a 2 1/2 year old. She's so much fun. She comes by her sass naturally, she's related to her daddy :) I'm sure NONE of it comes from this mama! Her stubbornness, well maybe a tiny bit of that comes from me, the rest comes from her daddy of course. I NEED the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... um yeah that's a 2 year old. I love her to the ends of the earth, to the moon and back, from the depths of my heart and soul. She challenges me more than any job I've ever had in my entire life. This week, mama will be working on quiet time boxes so her little 2 year old doesn't live in time out until she's 20 :)

~Bella is 2 years and 5 months old and giving me a taste of what dealing with a teenager will be like
~Grayson is 9 1/2 months old, he's crawling, pulling up, has his bottom right tooth and will eat your arm if you let him