Passion and Paradise

Tiny bubs

2012-02-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

Do you notice a theme when I talk about the handsome boy in my life? He's always called some sort of tiny, tiny boy, tiny bubs, tiny man, tiny... he's anything BUT tiny. In my heart, he'll always be my tiny boy. Even if we end up having another boy in the future, Grayson will be the first tiny boy that stole my heart and then who knows maybe the next baby will be my big baby or my big boy :)

Age: 11 months

Weight: BIG, ok probably like 23 lbs

Height: 31 inches (98%) at his last check up

Size: A few 12 month outfits but mostly 18 month clothes and size 4 shoes

Teeth: In about 2 weeks, he grew 3 more teeth so now he has 4. Two on the top that are still small and two on the bottom.

Sleeping: Not so good lately, he did great for awhile and then the streak broke. Now he goes down around 7pm and cries around 1030 and then again around midnight and then between 4 and 6. We usually leave him and let him fuss himself back to sleep unless it's after 4, then I'll go in, nurse him and put him back to bed. He's steadily fighting his morning nap, Mama is sad to see it go. I love the two naps a day :) He's napping from about 1130 or 12 until about 230pm.

Eating: Does toilet paper and tissue count? It's fiber, right? I swear the kid will find the teeniest, tiniest schniblet (yep that's a word) of tissue and it's in his mouth. He was even pick pocketing his daddy so he could get some tissue.

On a more real note, he's eating like a mad man. He'll eat just about everything. One thing is for sure, he's total opposite of his sister. He LOVES meat! She's different, she says "is this meat?" We say "No honey, it's chicken"(that's not a lie, I mean chicken is meat, but we're just avoiding her question and instead responding by exactly what type of meat it is). She generally responds "I don't like it" and spits it out. Him on the other hand, he LOVES meat and will pick all the meat off his tray before eating veggies.

As far as nursing, still every 3-4 hours and now he's requesting it with intent. He leans forward if he's sitting on my lap and wants to nurse. He'll cuddle right next to me and turn his head with my shirt on. He's even tried to undo my nursing tank. The only time he likes to nurse for longer than 5-7 minutes is at night or when he's really tired.

Movement: He's cruising along furniture now. He'll stand up and then bend over to pick things up and then stand again. He's stood a few times here and there for a little bit at a time.

Milestones: Way more teeth, eating much more solid food and loving his sister more than ever.

Favorite toys: The ride on toy my mom got him for Christmas. He likes to sit next to it and bang the seat because it makes a fun noise.

Dislikes: When he doesn't get his way. He's getting more vocal about being mad. When he's in his crib, he lays on his tummy and kicks his feet hard onto the mattress.

Words/sounds: Mama, dada and TONS of babbling!

A day in my life...

2012-02-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, got ready for work, got in the car and cried all the way to work. I miss my dad. Yesterday was February 8, it's not like it was a "mark" or anything. It was just one of those days that it really hit me that I miss my dad. Maybe it's because a couple of days before that I hit 3 and send on my phone only to realize that 3 no longer called anyone... It was previously programmed to be my dad's cell phone number because the #3 on the phone is also the letter D.. D is for Dad... yeah I'm crazy and that's how I decide how to program speed dials :)

I finally pulled it together before I walked in to work. The day went as usual. I took care of kiddos and their families. Some of which were also struggling with the loss of someone very close to them. I pushed the emotions away and went on with my day. Continued to take care of kids, took care of their families, talked with other staff, ate, pumped, used the bathroom in the extra seconds I had before doing it all over and over again for 12.5 hours.

At the end of the day, I was talking about how the breast pump in the back wasn't working like it should. It kept shutting down after the letdown cycle. I was asking who I needed to call in order to get it fixed. Someone responded "God, how old is your kid already? Aren't you done nursing him yet?" I replied "He's almost 11 months and nope I'm not down nursing him yet. I hope to make it until he's 1 and then we'll just go from there"... to which she responded "OMG that's disgusting. I would never nurse past 6 months, I would just give them formula and be done with it. That's so nasty." Really, since when is nursing my child disgusting and nasty? I continued on with "It's not that I think formula is poison but why would I give my kid formula when he does great on breast milk, it's free, natural and I know exactly what's in it?" She just said "That's just sick, when he's old enough to sit up and look at me, then he should be done"... well last time I check, the very FIRST time I nursed my son, he looked right into my eyes, we bonded. His tiny body was curled in right next to my chest, I was feeding him, providing everything his little body and brain needed to grow up strong and healthy. I'm not saying formula feeding moms aren't providing for their kids but I AM saying it's my choice how I chose to feed my child. I'll support any mom now matter how she choses to feed her baby. That said, for me and my babies, I've been blessed to be able to nurse them both well into their life (13 1/2 months for Bella and so far almost 11 months-and still going- for Grayson). I feel proud to know that I am able to provide for them. I've also provided 256 oz to another baby so she can grow too. I'm proud to be a breastfeeding mom. It works for me and my family. Show some love for women around you, support them NO matter their choice of food for their child.

Randomness

2012-01-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

There's no rhyme or reason for this blog just a little update with a few pictures of my loves. This is Bella a few months ago playing dress up in her daddy's shorts.

This is a little dress she found when we went to a local play area and she wore it the entire time she played. She loved it. I captured her crawling through the tunnel :)

This picture is when her daddy was giving her a little foot rub. What a lucky lady! They were pretending he was Steve the massage guy and she was some lady that came in to get a foot rub. Her newest thing "my leg hurts, I need you to rub it"... here we go!

One of the only pictures I captured of them together on Christmas morning in their matching jammies. They were SOOOO cute! I made every attempt to get a decent picture with about 50 fails. I guess this is better than nothing. With a 2 1/2 year old and 9 month old, I guess I should take what I can get!

Uh yeah so Santa didn't eat his gingerbread cookie so the kid with no teeth and a giant appetite finished it up for him. Did I mention he has 2 teeth now?!

My tiny boy isn't so tiny... wait was he ever tiny?!

2012-01-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

My little Grayson John isn't so little. He's growing so fast. I've been cherishing each minute with him. He's really brought an endless amount of joy to my life and healing to my heart. Just two days ago, I was crushed, it marked 10 months since my dad died. Each milestone that my son hits is a constant reminder that my dad has been gone that much longer. That he's not here for me to call and tell about each milestone. I hate that, I really hate that. I'm crying as I type this because I really just want to write this blog and be reminded that my son is growing. He's growing fast and steady... let's be real for a few seconds. I'm so thankful that he came when he did or I might have been in a deep depression, instead he came, he reminded me that life comes full circle. When one door closes, your heart might crush into a million and a half pieces... BUT another door might open so widely, your heart my burst with complete joy and happiness....

Age: 10 months

Weight: um.. I'm a bad mom, I think it was 21 lbs and 12 oz... I think!

Height: 31 inches (98%)

Size: moving on up... yeah so he's quickly outgrowing the 12 month outfits, we're retiring them left and right these days and bring out the 18 month stuff.. 18 months? My baby is only 10 months people!

Teeth: one on his bottom right, it's SO adorable. It's even better since he hasn't bit me while nursing :)

Sleeping: I HATE to type this for fear that all hell will break lose but he's been going down at 6:30pm or 7pm and sleeping until (hold your breath) 5:30am and sometimes even 6!! I feel like a whole new woman when I'm getting sleep. He's still napping twice a day too, usually from 8:30-9:30 and from 12:30-2.

Eating: Anything he can possibly get in his mouth! He'll steal it from his sister, he'll take something that I've sat on the table when I'm not looking, if it looks like food, he tastes it to see if it might be food. Yep, he's a growing boy, he's OUR growing boy and we love him! He's picky though, one minute he likes something and the next he's not a fan. He doesn't seem to have any favorites that we've noticed. He just likes to eat! He's still nursing every 3-4 hours but for a much shorter time now. He's very quick, like so quick he's done in about 5-7 minutes each time.

Movement: He's crawling EVERYWHERE! He's pulling up on everything and he gets to his knees without any issues. He stands if you hold his hands but he's not cruising along furniture yet.

Milestones: Getting a tooth, crawling, pulling up, saying mama, dada and babbling a ton!!

Favorite toys: he likes anything and everything, he loves putting blankets in his mouth and yanking them out. It must feel good on his teeth/gums

Dislikes: When mama or daddy walk away and leave him in another room, when sister doesn't let him steal things from her :)

Words/sounds: Mama, dada and TONS of babbling!

The Serenity Prayer

2012-01-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

My dad lived by it, he had coffee mugs with it written on the side, he agreed with what it said... Some things we can't change... two year olds and their stubbornness is one of them!

She's cute isn't she? The ponytails, the GIANT piercing blue eyes, the little button nose, the ice cream dripping between her fingers, off her hand and onto the table... you just want to squeeze her, don't you?! Well this picture doesn't show off her sassiness, her stubbornness, her Attitude with a capital A! She looks so sweet and innocent... oh my friends... oh my friends...

Today here's a little of our conversation: Bella yells and flails as she's getting into her car seat screaming at the top of her lungs "I DO IT BY MYSELFFFF". Daddy replies "come on Bella, daddy has to get you buckled, sit down please"... flailing and screaming continues... She kicks the back of the car seat and yells "OWIE". Daddy replies "That's karma". Bella replies "That is NOT karma"... to which Ryan and I break into endless laughter. The rest of the day she continues to say "that is NOT karma"... as if she really knows what karma means :)

Another conversation: Bella "I'm not tired". Mama responds "Bella please lay down and take a nap, you need to have some quiet time. After you take a nap, we can go swimming." Bella "I'm just not tired, we'll go swimming now." Mama says "Bella, we all need to take a nap before we go swimming". I kissed her and left the room with her sitting at the edge of her bed. She opened the door, peeked out, closed the door for about 2 mins then continued. She came out of the room about 15 minutes later and said "Mama I peed on the carpet". Mama "Why did you pee on the carpet?" Bella says "I no pee on the carpet, I need to go potty now". I take her to the potty, she goes potty, during which she says "You don't help me, I can do it by myself". One hour later, she's asleep in her bed.

(this picture is from our mommy, daddy, Bella date day. It shows her independence. She didn't want anyone to help her climbing up to the slippery ladder to go down the slide)

We went to the pool after nap. The water was 80 degrees which is by no means warm when you are standing in a pool with two little ones. We tried to make it fun but it was pretty cold. Bella said "I'll go get dressed and we'll go home"... really? We're trying to do something fun as a family.

Just a couple of days ago she yelled from the backseat "Hey everybody, I need some milk!!"... um the only people in the car were Grayson, Ryan and I. Who exactly was everybody?? She meant business and she wanted her milk asap!

More funny sayings: Mama to Bella "Come on Sassafrass". Her response "I not Sassafrass Mama, YOU a Sassafrass".

So yes, I'm calling on the serenity prayer. I have a 2 1/2 year old. She's so much fun. She comes by her sass naturally, she's related to her daddy :) I'm sure NONE of it comes from this mama! Her stubbornness, well maybe a tiny bit of that comes from me, the rest comes from her daddy of course. I NEED the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... um yeah that's a 2 year old. I love her to the ends of the earth, to the moon and back, from the depths of my heart and soul. She challenges me more than any job I've ever had in my entire life. This week, mama will be working on quiet time boxes so her little 2 year old doesn't live in time out until she's 20 :)

~Bella is 2 years and 5 months old and giving me a taste of what dealing with a teenager will be like
~Grayson is 9 1/2 months old, he's crawling, pulling up, has his bottom right tooth and will eat your arm if you let him

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

2011-12-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

Today was SO much fun! I mean, seriously! To see Christmas through the eyes of a 2 year old is completely incredible, it makes life worth living, it makes all the prep and getting ready, all the madness, all the shopping, the trashed house, the stuff everywhere, completely worth it! I'm serious.

Bella Kailani was so excited for this morning she's been talking about it for weeks. She kept saying "couple days then Santa's coming!" She's been talking about this day for weeks. We've seen Santa probably 4 times, 2 of which she would not go near him at all, 2 of which she climbed right up on his lap. She promptly told him she wanted a "babydoll"... um yeah so "he" got that memo last week so he did some last minute shopping to ensure that she got that. He's a busy dude I tell ya! Yeah, so she got the baby doll but ended up liking the Belle barbie doll and comb that came with her better. She carried the Belle around all day :)

Santa was great at our house. He left a little snow from the north pole on our carpet in the form of foot prints, I'm pretty sure he didn't clean his shoes before he got here. He also left a letter for Bella and Grayson on her new easel. He drank all of the chocolate milk (Bella's choice for him) and only a bite or two of the gingerbread man that we left. Don't worry, the cookie didn't go to waste. When the rest of us were busy, Grayson crawled over, pulled himself up and promptly inserted that cookie into his mouth and went to town until someone noticed. At that point, what the heck, it's Christmas, a little gingerbread man never hurt anyone. The kids were busy opening presents and playing and having a great time.

At 1100, we loaded up and headed to spend some time with Ryan's dad, his girlfriend, her family and Grandpa. The Brinkman's were there with their little ones and Stephan showed up with the twins. Six kids under the age of 3 in one place= SO much fun, giggles, crying, running, playing and busy parents to be sure no one escapes the madness. It was fun.

After that we headed to the Eldien side of the family. The kids got more gifts, one of which was another Minnie mouse doll, of course Bella latched onto her immediately and is now fast asleep in bed with her. More giggling because the Brinkman kiddos were there and her older second cousins played with all the kids endlessly.

We loaded the kids into the car at about 4:30 to head home. As Ryan was loading Bella into her carseat she said "I had a lot of fun"... Pure happiness! That my friends, is what Christmas is all about!

~Grayson's FIRST Christmas!
~Pictures to follow!

9 months, wait what?

2011-12-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

So kill me, I totally missed 8 months. Having 2 kids is BUSY, I mean I haven't even filled out his baby book for the past 2 months or blogged in ages, or peed alone in... well who knows! It's not that I don't love the kid, it's just that he's attached to me 24/7 if he's awake. It's true, I wanted a mama's boy and I sure as hell got one! I wouldn't trade it for the the world but it's pretty intense (yep, no holding back on my part). We went to my mother in laws this weekend and he screamed bloody murder each time I left the room. I think he thought his grandma was a baby eating dinosaur that just might lop off his leg if he was left alone with her. I mean, for real kid, Grandma Linda loves you! Yep, he just wanted his mama... what have I created?!

Don't you just love that picture? I do! His chubby little cherub cheeks, his tiny lips, his long lashes, his button nose, whispy baby hair... what's not to love?!

Age: 9 months

Aw, his sweet big sister says "hold my hand baby, hold my hand" and then they hold hands and both giggle like mad :)

Weight: We go today...

Length: we'll find out in 1 hr

Size: 12 month clothes. He's getting so long that some of them he hasn't even filled out but it's the length that's a problem. He's still in red edge prefold diapers and Medium covers

Teeth: Still none. I've been saying that he's teething for months but so far, nothing.

Sleeping: It's been rough. We thought it was that he was too cold so we bought a sleep sack. Sometimes he's up once a night if it's a really good night but sometimes it's twice... it's hit or miss. He'll sleep eventually, right?

Eating: He's eating puffs, cheerios, crackers, rice, veggies, fruits. He's pretty much boycotted all pureed food and wants only stuff he can feed himself but who can blame him. It's not fun to have someone shoveling food into your mouth. He had chicken for the first time last night. He tends to eat solids best from anyone except his mama. He knows I'm the milk lady:)

Movement: He now goes from sitting to his tummy and vice versa. He crawls backwards and sideways and we've seen him go forward only a couple of times. He can't get places fast enough so he tends to go mental!

Milestones: much more mobile. He claps his hands too and is pulling up on stuff. It freaks mama out!

Favorite Toys: His favorite little monkey was MIA for awhile, not good! We finally found it and he loves it still. He loves Sophie the Giraffe and dumping all of the toys out of the bucket in the living room. If he's screaming and you plop him in the tub, he's instantly happy.

Dislikes: Being away from mama!

Words/sounds: Dada and baba (although he's just babbling)

Nicknames: The little big baby, bubba, bubs, cheesecurd, son, handsome boy...

Sad night

2011-12-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Dad,
Kathy gave me some of your journals. I've been reading them. Sometimes they help me feel better, sometimes they make me feel worse, sometimes they make me feel like you are right here talking over my shoulder, sometimes they make me question my life as I knew it, sometimes they make me wish you were here more than I already do.

Why didn't you share them with me sooner? Why didn't you tell me the things that are in them? Why didn't we ever talk about some of this stuff? There are things I thought I knew, things I'm now figuring out that I didn't know. I should've asked you... instead I just continued life thinking that I knew what I knew... only to find out years later that what I thought I knew was all wrong.

Things that sculpted my childhood, things that made me who I am today... things that helped me form beliefs... Beliefs that 22 years later, I am finding out are wrong. Why didn't we ever talk about this? Why didn't I ever ask? Why didn't you ever tell me? Did you think that I knew the truth? Were you as afraid as I was to bring it up? Where did it go wrong? I have so many questions and no answers. Tears are streaming down my face. I want to ask you, I want to talk about this, I want you to tell me, to talk to me, to listen, to let me cry on your shoulder. I need you!

I was reading to Bella tonight, reading her book after book, thinking of you... Thinking of how you called me because I pocket dialed you and you heard me reading to her. It seems like yesterday but it was so long ago, too long ago, Dad. I want to tell you how much I love being a mother, how much I love my children, how happy I am with my husband, how blessed I am to have this life that I have, to have the relationships that I have, to have the friends that I have...Dad, my kids are incredible. They light up my life. Bella makes me smile when I feel so sad. She's got spunk, sass and personality. She's full of life and energy. She keeps me going at my weakest moments. She challenges me on a daily basis. Grayson is a constant reminder of you, he brings a light to my life that only he can. He helped heal me a little when you died. He helps bring you to me every day. I'm lucky to have them both. I'm lucky that they chose me to be their mother, that they chose Ryan and I to be their parents... have you met our other baby, Dad? The one that we lost before Grayson. I wonder what that baby is like, I wonder if you rock that baby and think of me.

I hope someday my kids read this, Dad. I hope they know they helped me when I was grieving. I hope they know their dad is a lot like you, their Papa John. He's strong willed, unconditional loving, hard working, dedicated, committed, brave.... amazing. I hope they understand that it's ok to cry, to miss people that leave us. I hope they know their mama is strong but in quiet moments when every one is asleep and her day is done, she breaks down. Nine months later, I'm still grieving, I still miss you every day. I still wish I was there to hold your hand when you died. I wish things were different. I wish I could ask you the questions that I have today, they questions that keep coming up as I read more and more. The questions that I have as I get to understand a side of you that I never knew before. I'm learning more, Dad. I'm learning a lot. Most of all, I'm learning that JT and I were the lights of your life, like my children are to me. I'm learning that even though I knew you loved us and I thought I understood that love when I gave birth to me children, I didn't understand. Your love was deeper than I could ever have imagined.

I'm sad. I miss you. I wish you were here. I have so many things to tell you. I love you...

Still your baby girl....

Trick or treat smell my feet

2011-10-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

Give me something good to eat! Unless you are my daughter... if you are, you go to someone's door with your dad and don't say a thing. Daddy says trick or treat and then he says thank you, while you stand looking completely adorable in your monkey costume and say nothing. She actually did really well with me, she said trick or treat... well that is, if a woman answered the door. If it was a man, she made a grump face and didn't say a thing.

We dressed up and went to Boo at the Zoo on Saturday morning. Mostly it was just kids in costumes looking at the animals with a few pit stops for candy. Five or six stops at most. It was cold so we were only there for about an hour and a half. That's long enough really, for both the kids and the parents, especially when it's cold out. Usually we spend about 2 hours at the zoo at most. We bought a zoo pass that's been worth every penny. Bella loves it. Grayson goes along for the ride, ah the joys of being the little brother. You get to go along with anything your big sister wants to do.

Sunday was trick or treating in our neighborhood. We turned on the porch light and just planned on dressing Bella up to hand out candy like we did last year. She INSISTED on "go in road with kids", "go neighbors", "go see kids", "go trick or treat". So despite the cold, rainy weather, we dressed her up in her warm monkey costume with bows made by her mama and took her out. At first, Ryan took her to a few houses and then brought her back for me to take her. I stayed home first with Grayson and we handed out candy. Bella came back and said "I go more trick or treat mama". She was dying to go to more houses. So I took her. I ended up carrying her and then letting her down only to go to the door. We went halfway down the block then turned around to come back. We got to the house and she said "I no go inside, I go more trick or treat". She had SO much fun! We ended up only doing our street and she got WAY more candy than she could ever need. She ate a few pieces and then we hid it away.

Grayson was a super cute tiger. His costume was completely adorable and his sweet little cherub face made it even better as you can expect. Bella's little monkey costume was adorable too. Her sweet little smile lights up a room and her giggles go for miles. You can imagine how much fun she had. Ah the joys of being a mama to these precious little angels! Halloween is forever changed for me, it's better, it's more exciting. Pictures to come soon :)

7 months a little late!

2011-10-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Age: 7 months and a few days (what can I say, I'm late posting this!)

Weight: 18lbs 14 oz at his check up 3 weeks ago. He's scaling down a bit and is now in the 75% vs the 98% he was in. To me, he's still a BIG baby, considering Bella was barely 19 lbs at a year old!

Length: 28.5 inches (>98%)

Size: He has a few 9 month Carter's brand onesies that fit but he's mostly in 12 month stuff. Carter's seems the best fit. He's still SO long though that we've even had to retire a few 12 month things!

Teeth: none which is perfectly ok with me since he's nursing.

Sleeping: (If I jinx myself by typing this I will seriously go insane!)... he's been sleeping at least 5 hours straight and sometimes longer. One night he went from 930pm until 5am! That's amazing if you ask me. Most nights he goes down around 7 or a little later and then wakes up sometime between 930pm to 12 and eats and goes back down until he eats again around 5am.

Eating: We've added squash and sweet potatoes but he's not a fan of squash at all. We're planning to start some puffs this week too and maybe add some green veggies.

Movement: He's been sitting up for months but when you put him on his tummy during the day, he goes mental! He hates it unless he's sleeping.

Milestones: He's babbling a ton, reaching and grabbing every thing in sight.

Favorite Toys: He loves his stuffed monkey and stuffed duck that he sleeps with. He also likes his new toy from his Aunt CeeCee and her clan and he loves noisy toys.

Dislikes: Being in his car seat, he arches like a mad man when you put him in

Words/sounds: Just giggling and babbling

Nicknames: The little big baby, bubba, bubs, cheesecurd, son, handsome boy...

The story of my one night stand

2011-10-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

Grayson won't drink my frozen milk. In his defense, it does taste different than the fresh milk. I have "excess lipase", it's an enzyme in the milk. In my milk it starts breaking down around day 3 after pumping and begins to make the milk taste different. In the frozen milk it activates even more...Grayson will drink it as long as it hasn't been frozen. If it's been frozen, he flat out refuses it. He'll scream and refuse. We've only tried it 3 times. Twice at day care and once when I had my MRI. I usually send the fresh milk from the day before, or a couple days before to daycare with him. The excess lipase causes the milk to taste "sour", some babies will still drink it and some babies don't like the taste. I've tried it, it makes me gag. The fresh milk tastes much sweeter, yes I've tasted it too. It's not "bad" milk, it's safe for babies to drink, it just tastes different.

I have a bunch of frozen milk, a small deep freezer that's stuffed to the brim... seriously! There's nothing but milk in there! Ok maybe a few sticks of frozen butter and a few frozen yogurts but it's pretty much all milk. I've offered it to my sister but her supply has been good. Her and I were talking about how cool it would be to donate it. I had no idea how to go about that. I've looked at donating it "legally" but I would have to pay $300 to do that. Other places will take it if I go to their place and pump it... well that won't work. I'm not about to pay to donate it. I'm also not about to go somewhere to pump it. I ONLY pump when I'm at work and on a super rare occasion at home when I'm really feeling "full". So what were my other options?

Jackie (my sister) messaged me a milk donation page on facebook and told me to check it out. I read all of the posts for milk wanted and ran across this mama who works at CHW on a different floor. We've never met but we have mutual friends through work. I messaged her telling her our situation with excess lipase and how Grayson won't drink my frozen milk. She messaged back that she'd love to have some of it. made my first donation of milk to a mama in need. Only 8 oz... we both wanted to be sure her little girl liked it before I gave her a bunch that she couldn't use. I felt really good giving it to her and knowing that my milk might be able to help another baby. The little girl is 9 months old, weighs 14lbs, was born 9 weeks early and her mama couldn't produce much. That's all I know. Today I handed over 8 oz without her asking me any questions.

Here's where the one night stand comes into place. I told Ryan about it and how it felt weird to give it to her without her drilling me about myself, my diet, any pills I took, my HIV status, etc... She asked me NOTHING! I told her a few things and explained the lipase situation. She asked a few questions about the lipase and that was it. It felt weird. It felt like she should ask me more. Ryan said "so it kind of felt like a one night stand, a little weird"... It did. She was so thankful and grateful. She said "I'm so glad there are mama's like you that want to help mom's like me". She also said "I really hope she drinks it, I'll be sad if she doesn't". I told her to let me know how it goes and I'd happily give her more... we'll see how it goes. We'll see if it is a one night stand or a long term relationship... time will tell.

Happy Half Birthday my son!

2011-09-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

We started our day by singing Happy Birthday to our little man. Ryan was already working but Bella and I sang it to him about 10 times. He thought it was fabulous and she loves the birthday song so it was a win win situation. I can't believe he's 6 months old, halfway to one! When did that happen? Holy smokes!

Age: 6 months

Weight: we go to the dr next week, I'm guessing 19 lbs...

Length: tall!

Size: He's quickly outgrowing the length on many things.... He's in some 6 month stuff and some 9 month stuff.

Teeth: none but like I said before he's a drooly monkey, it's insane. The kid goes through so many bibs a day, I'm guessing 6 or more!

Sleeping: I'm not trying to curse myself BUT he's been going down IN HIS CRIB around 7 and sleeping until about 1 then nursing and going back down until about 5... I try to put him back down and sometimes he'll sleep again until 7... sometimes he's up for the day (those are LONG days!). He's not the best napper. He usually has one long nap at the same time Bella naps from about 1230-3, he does better with naps at daycare and will take a morning and afternoon nap.

Eating: He's been given avocado, banana and rice cereal. He liked the banana best. He wasn't a giant avocado fan. We're trying to do baby led weaning so instead of pureed we're trying to give him things he can try to feed himself.... I have a feeling we'll be doing a mix of both pureed and BLW, it's just something we're trying out. We're by no means consistent with feeding him solids yet. He gets them randomly in the evening every few days. He's still nursing about every 3-4 hours.

Movement: No changes.

Milestones: the sleeping thing is HUGE!

Favorite Toys: He loves Sophie the giraffe, a little turtle bath toy and anything else he can get his grubby little fingers on :)

Dislikes: not having all of the attention all of the time. Also when he's ready for bed he starts arching back and then it's our cue to put him to bed. He fusses for about 3 mins then in out cold.

Words/sounds: Just giggling and babbling

Nicknames: The little big baby, bubba, bubs, cheesecurd, son...

worst Friday night ever

2011-09-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

**a little TMI** consider that your warning....

I had to have an MRI, a closed MRI... it SUCKED big donkey balls. Well at least that sums up my experience in a nutshell. It was the worst experience of my life, stuck in a closed MRI scanner, fighting claustrophia, crying the entire time, knowing that not only did the experience suck but I'll be further tortured by having to pump and DUMP my breastmilk for the next 24 hours. Let me just say, I'd rather push another 8 lb 11 oz kid out of my vagina with an epidural that was worn off and not working even a tiny bit than have another one of those. Right now, I'm connected to the milking machine while drinking a margarita... Somehow, I have to keep my sanity, right?!

I was told that my husband couldn't go in the room so I opted have him stay home and help the kids have a normal night where he put them to be. I SO wish he would've been there, come to find out he COULD go into the room. It would've been nice to feel his hand touching my feet or to hear his voice while I was panicking in there. He always has a way to make to laugh when I'm not in a laughing mood. He can always calm me when I'm panicking or having a rough day. He's been with me through the toughest, darkest days of my life, my mom fighting cancer, our miscarriage and my dad dying. He's held my hand, rubbed my head and been my personal doula while birthing his two children. He's my rock, my support, my teammate, my partner in crime. He's the best husband and an amazing father. I'm lucky. Tonight I wish the people on the other end while booking the scan, would have told me that he could be there with me. I could've really used him... but instead I reminded myself that he'd be home waiting for me and our kids routine would not have been messed up. He was doing the dad thing and holding down our fort.

I had the MRI because I've had a lump the size of a chick pea on the back of my head (near the crown) for a few weeks now. I had my PCP look at it and she said "let's just be safe and get it checked out"... so that's what I did. She scheduled an MRI and I went. I told her I was claustrophobic but she said "oh you'll be fine"... now looking back, since I have to pump and dump anyways, I wish I would've fought harder. Being closed in that machine for 30 mins was the longest 30 mins of my life. I laid there still and silently cried the entire time. It sucked like I said earlier. I fought back sniffles so I would've mess up the scan by moving my head. I was lucky that the nurse was patient as I made her pull me out twice because I was panicking. She talked me through it, gave me some headphones and put a wash cloth over my eyes because she said it sometimes helps, it did. Her name was Jill and she talked to me on a loud speaker every 2 minutes the entire scan. It was nice, it helped a little to know that someone was out there. The nurse pulled me out and asked if I was ok, I was out, I was done, I was better. She was compassionate and I needed that. She also told me her experience with pumping and dumping because of a breast lump.

So here I sit, connected to the milk machine drinking a margarita while Ryan feeds Grayson a bottle. It's the first time I've ever seen either of my kids be fed a bottle, it seemed so weird, so abnormal. I SO wanted to nurse him! In case you are wondering, I just pumped 7 1/2 ounces that I have to dump down the drain... hmm I wonder if the dog could drink it :) Kidding of course!

~Bella is 2 yrs and 1 1/2 months old and says a million sentences, her vocabulary is INSANE!
~Grayson is a couple days shy of 6 months old and he has a smile that will light up a room and dimples to boot!

If Heaven wasn't so far away

2011-08-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad
Why'd you have to die? For real? I mean this shit isn't fair for those of us that are left behind to pick up the pieces. My heart is still shattered, it's been 5 1/2 months... when does it get better? When will the pain go away? Tonight, for no reason, I hit a wall, not literally but emotionally. I miss you. I need you to be here. I'm going through this stuff with my head and I need you to here to say "it's all going to be ok". I can hear you now though, it's really weird. I can hear you saying "just get it all checked out and don't worry about it, it's going to work out how it will work out and it'll be fine." You always had positive words and words of encouragement during tough times in my life. Where are you now? I need you! You were always able to talk me down and pick me up when I was sad. Get me down from the tree when I was acting erratic or emotional. I'm emotional right now Dad, I need you talk me down. 5 1/2 months is too long. I can't imagine how much 5 more months will suck or how 5 years will feel...

I just got off the phone with JT. You'd be real proud of us. We're leaning on each other a lot these days. We're closer than ever. Imagine what we were like as little tykes, always hugging each other and playing with each other, loving each other endlessly. That's how we are now, only we're adults. We're grown ups, acting like grown ups, loving each other endlessly and supporting each other during good times and bad. Right now, we're really suffering together. No one can really understand how we feel without you. We're too young to lose a dad. I told him tonight how much I missed you, how bad I wanted you back, how I just wish you'd come home already, how I needed you, how much I missed you, how I was pissed off at the world for taking you when I could really use you in my life.

Did you meet Grayson? What do you think of his middle name? Are you proud that we named him after you? I feel like you met him, I feel like you brought him to me that night when I was in labor. I remember my vision vividly still, I hope I can always remember it. I can't wait to tell Grayson that story when he gets older. I'm sure I'll tell him that story a million times over... do you think he'll get tired of hearing it?

Are you watching us when we play? Sometimes I can feel you. I can sense your presence. There have been times when I've looked over my shoulder a million times because I can feel you right there. It's good in one way but so different in another. It's like I can feel you watching us play, like you are there in the room with us. It's strange but good. There was one day I snapped at yelled at Bella, I was tired, she is 2 and was totally testing my patience in every way imaginable and I could feel you telling me to relax. I could feel you telling me that someday she'd grow up and I'd miss her testing my patience. I relaxed, I apologized to her, she had no idea what was going on. She giggled and we went on playing like normal. You were still there, still watching us. I wish you could play with us too. I can still hear your voice that day you called and told me that you overheard me reading to Bella. How you were so proud of me and what a great mama you thought I was. It was nice... I wish I could replay that phone conversation. Instead I'll replay it in my head.

You can come to me in my dreams. I've only had a few dreams about you. I'll take any interactions with you that I can. In my dreams... or you watching us play or whatever. I can feel you asking me "what's that" about my "leftovers" from having Grayson... you are such as ass sometimes. I miss that! I miss your sense of humor... I've been crying for an hour or more now, tell me to relax...

I love you, I miss you...
Your baby girl, Sarah LeAnn.... Sis

Fabulous five

2011-08-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

Grayson John turns 5 months old today, each day I can't believe he's so big, it's insane!!

Age: 5 months

Weight: 17lbs 6 oz on July 29th (90%)

Length: off the charts!!

Size: Mostly 6 months and some 6-9 months and some 9 month

Teeth: none but he drools like a mad man

Sleeping:sleep?? whats that? He wants to be near the food source if his mama's around. Yes, we're co-sleeping. It works for us... these days we don't even attempt the crib. We sometimes try the bassinet when I'm super tired and want him close but I need to stretch out some.

Eating: No changes really...

Movement: He's rolled from his back to his belly and he can roll from his tummy to his side but not all the way yet.

Milestones: He's found his fingers AND his toes and he thinks they are fabulous. It's like the earth stops when he sees his fingers. He's fascinated by them, I love it! He's also falling deeply in love with his sister. The other day, they were giggling back and forth and I was loving it!!

Favorite Toys: He loves this little stuffed monkey that I bought for Bella, so much that it's pretty much his now :)

Dislikes: he wants 100% of the attention 100% of the time, just like his sissy :) We're lovers at our house so it's normal!

Words/sounds: Just giggling and babbling

Nicknames: The little big baby, bubba, bubs, cheesecurd

Turning Two

2011-07-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

Bella Kailani turned two! Where did the time go? I remember the days of nursing my tiny string bean and our late night cuddles. Now she's 2 and she's on the move, CONSTANTLY! It's so much fun that I can't even put it into words. It's opening my eyes up to a world that I didn't even know existed. I'm discovering life through the eyes of a toddler, MY toddler! She's helping me to really appreciate the little things in life.

Here are some of the things she's up to and saying:

CAR SEAT
~ Still rear facing in her car seat (state law is 1yr and 20 lbs) but AAP recommends until at least until 2 and the max weight on your seat. Our seat goes to 35 lbs and she still seems comfortable.

CLOTHES
~pulls any bows out of her hair and usually asks for a "pony" instead
~She is starting to put shoes on by herself
~would wear boots EVERY day if you would let her
~Loves squeak shoes

TEETH
~She has all of her teeth except her two year molars
~Had her first dentist appt a couple of months ago and brushes her teeth by herself pretty well

SLEEP
~Sleeps with her bunny (has since she was 1)
~She sleeps in her crib, she goes down around 7 pm and wakes up around 6 am
~She takes one nap a day from about 12:30-2:30 or 3
~Mama and Daddy and "Bubba" all go in to put her to bed and then "Bubba" and one parent leaves while the other one sings special songs
~Mama always sings "Goodnight sweet Bella it's time to go, na na na na, Good night sweet Bella it's time to go, na na na na. I hate to leave ya but I really must say, Good night sweet girl good night"

LIKES
~She loves Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Elmo
~ enjoys coloring on paper and if you try to color with her, she says "beep beep" and sits on your lap and takes your crayons

~ loves being a mama to her babies and it's SO cute. She loves giving them bottles and occasionally she nurses them like I nurse Grayson.

~Baby dolls are one of her favorite toys

~She's great at climbing up and down stairs (although this makes mama nervous!)

~ loves slides

RANDOM
~ loves her brother to the moon, she especially loves holding him and says "I hold him"
~She knows what a circle is and can point it out to you
~ She's started to be more nervous about certain things, like swimming. She used to love it and now she's more skiddish

FOOD
~is a very picky eater lately! Loves "juice" aka organic pureed fruit/veggies that come in a pouch from Target.
~Hates meat! She'll pick it out of foods.
~loves yogurt

VOCABULARY
~Knows part of her ABC's
~Can count from 1-5 then 7-9

~She says "peeeeaz" (please) and "thank you" and "welcome"

~ When you ask her do you want to ____, she likes to say "NO way!"

~ "I do it" quickly followed with a super sassy "by myself", meaning don't even try to help her or else!

~ She knows all the words to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

~ After her birthday party she sang "Happy Birthday to me" all by herself... how she knew to change "you" to "me" is beyond me but it was hilarious!

Thankful Thursday

2011-07-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

Do you notice a theme here? I NEVER ever seem to make it in time to actually post for Thursday but at least I get around to posting. It's busy at our house, very busy. A good kind of busy but it leaves little time for blogging, it also leaves little time for sleeping... enough of that though.

This Thursday I'm thankful for these people. They happen to be my brother and my aunt. Both people help remind me of my dad and tie me to him. They are both generous and loving. They would give you the shirt of their backs if you needed it more than they did. They may not wear their hearts on their sleeves and by looking at either of them you would never guess their hearts are made of pure gold, but it's all true. They have a mad amount of love to share with others once you get to know them. I clumped them into one "thankful Thursday" because in many ways they are a lot alike.

The picture above was taken at my dad's house a month after he passed away. We were all there together and my Aunt CeeCee was there too. The first time we've all been together in who knows how long.... years I'm guessing, maybe 10 years. Anyhow, my Aunt Nora is sitting in my dad's chair and my brother is next to her. They smiled passed the pain. We were all glad to be together and have the support of each other. It's important, family IS so important.

That's why I'm thankful for both of these people. They have so much love to give and they share it with me. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way my brother and I's relationship has grown in the years. We've had some rough times and some totally amazing times. We've laughed like hell and cried, well we've cried a lot lately. We've leaned on each other, we're the only other person in the whole world who fully understands. Honestly, not even we completely understand how the other feels. That said, we understand more closely than anyone else. My dad's passing has brought us even closer then we were before. It sucks, it sucks ass. That's what we both say.

My aunt and I have had a close relationship for years. She's good about calling and sending cards and most importantly, listening. She's a lot like my dad like that, she provides support and listens. She LISTENS to me and how I feel, she doesn't take sides when I tell her things. She encourages me to be a better person, to love more deeply, to open my eyes more widely, to embrace life, to smile through the pain, to cry when I need to, to keep it together when I need to and to let go when I need to. She's an incredible person and I'm glad she's mine!

Aunt Nora and Bubs, I'm thankful for both of you! I'm not sure you'll ever read this, I'm not sure I care if you do or not. I hope some day my kids will read this and have better insight to what amazing people you both are... if you do read this, I love you more than this blog can say and I'm thankful for both of you, being you!!

The little big baby!

2011-07-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Grayson John turns 4 months old today, where did the time go? I've already been back to work for over a month. Here's an update:

Age: 4 months (he turns 4 months on his Uncle John's 29th birthday!)

Weight: I'm guessing around 16 lbs, he's quickly outgrowing his 6 month clothes. I've retired 3 outfits in size 6 month already!!

Length: He's LONG and big!!

Size: Mostly 6 months and some 6-9 months

Teeth: none but he drools like a mad man

Sleeping: He usually takes a good nap during the day when he's with me but at daycare he sleeps more. Maybe I'm just too exciting :) At night, he's been sleeping the first sleep of the night in his crib which is about 3 hours then he wants to eat about every 3 hours at night. On the nights of the days I work, he seems to be up, I think because he's missed me and wants to be close. He LOVES sleeping on his tummy but his mama puts him on his back at night.

Eating: He's eating every 3 hours like a clock during day care days. When he's home, he likes to eat every 3 hours and be the KFC snacker :) At daycare, he eats 4 oz every 3 hours. I'm pumping about 22 oz in 12 hours.

Movement: He ALMOST rolled from his back to his belly today. He's SO close! He can inch worm around his crib or around the floor on his back. I layed him down on his back with his feet one way and come back and his feet are in a totally different direction.

Milestones:Babbling and "talking" a ton. He's giggling too which is so adorable.

Favorite Toys: He likes the bouncy seat and HATES the swing! He loves bath time. If he could spend all day in the bath, he would... although he's not a giant fan of the swimming pool. I think it's a little too cold for him.

Dislikes: he wants 100% of the attention 100% of the time, just like his sissy :) We're lovers at our house so it's normal!

Words/sounds: Just giggling and babbling

Nicknames: The little big baby, bubba, bubs, cheesecurd

Thankful Thursday... on a Monday :) and an update

2011-07-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

Life is BUSY busy with two kids. Bella is a toddler, in full swing folks! Her favorite says are: "I do it" (which is followed by a fierce stink eye if you even remotely try to do it for her) and "want it on" (which means she wants your help putting something on herself, her baby or one of her many stuffed animals. She's talking up a storm. It's amazing how just 3 short months ago she was saying plenty of words but not putting them together to form sentences. Now she's able to clearly get her point across with a string of words and sometimes a short sentence. She loves her hair in "ponies" the best. She loves "mickey" and "elmo" and will try at all costs to get you to turn them on. She loves playing hide and seek and giggling like a mad woman when you find her. She's on a food boycot lately and not eating much of anything these days. She loves trips to the grocery store to get cookies. She has a major sweet tooth like her mama!

Grayson is a bubbly, cuddly, chubby guy who is full of smiles. He loves when mama makes a "Donald Duck" voice and talks with him. He still likes to eat until he spits up, which usually means this mama is covered in breastmilk spit up most of her days off. Guess my days of wearing fancy stuff are over, at least for the next few years! He's still waking up to eat 2-4 times a night and he still likes to sleep best curled up in my arms or under my armpit in the bed. He'd prefer to be sleeping on his tummy if I'd let him but that's one rule I follow, sleep on the back unless I can watch you like a hawk!He lives in bibs because he's a drooley monkey or he's spitting up. I think we should buy stock in burp rags and bibs, opposite of his sister who rarely wore them.

My thankful Thursday is late but better late than never. I'm thankful for two healthy, happy babies! I'm blessed to have them both in my life and wouldn't trade a minute of the madness! I love it. I love the craziness of two little ones, I embrace the cuddles and even the cries and meltdowns are making me laugh. Our house is more entertaining then the zoo. Most importantly, it's full of love. More love than you can ever imagine. I'd like to think it engulfs you the instant you walk into the door. We're all deeply in love with one another.

I'm also thankful for the stranger at the post office. A middle aged guy, about my dad's age, was in line in front of the kids and I. He offered to let me go first. He had one thing to mail and so did I. I politely declined and thanked him for the offer. He politely insisted and said "don't worry I have all day". We went ahead and were out of that place in under 10 minutes from walking in the door. I thanked him again. He smiled and wished us a good day. It was nice. It was warm and welcoming to have a stranger notice us and allow us to go ahead. I'm sure he was busy too but it didn't seem to phase him. It was such a nice gesture that didn't go unnoticed in my book. I'm thankful for him and his kindness. Someday I'll pay it forward to a mom and her small kids when mine are older.

~ Bella Kailani will be 2 in 20 days and Grayson John is a week away from being 4 months old

My first Father's Day without him...

2011-06-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

I've kind of avoided all things Father's Day this year. It's too hard, it's too much. It makes it all more real to me which is something I just can't deal with. I'm lucky to have a husband that will be happy with anything, even just an I love you. In some ways, I feel lucky that Father's day falls on my weekend to work, then I can avoid all of the festivities and pretend it's just another day which is exactly what I need this year. Not a special day celebrating dad's, a day that I used to celebrate my dad. I day that I used to write heartfelt things in a card and call and chat about how much I missed him and wished he was here hanging out with me...

This year I miss him and wish he was here with me more than all of those other years. It's clearly different. He's no longer just a phone call or email away. It sucks ass for lack of a better term. I would give anything for 5 more minutes, for one more phone call or email, even for a dream with him in it. Father's Day can go suck a big one this year. It's not a day I need in my calendar this year. It's something that just makes the salt go deeper into my open wound. I go about my life only taking moments here or there to grieve the GIANT loss. It's how I'm dealing. It hits me like a huge wave, the ones the surfers patiently wait for, only for them it's more predictable. For me, I step off of the porch on the way to the library, I feel the wind blowing my hair and instantly start sobbing. It's unpredictable, it comes like a tornado, fast and furious then a little while later, it goes and I'm left picking up the pieces once again.

I'm lucky to have had an amazing wedding photographer that captured such a special moment on film. That moment forever lives in my heart but the pictures capture it beautifully. The first picture really tugs at my heart strings, if you look at his face you can see the sheer happiness and delight in his face. He was thrilled. I'm not sure exactly what we said to each other in our first moments together that day but I do remember telling him how I was ready, ready RIGHT NOW! I didn't want to wait any longer to marry Ryan. He told me thats how you know its right, when you don't care about the wedding and you only care about becoming a wife to the man of my dreams.

In the third picture, I'm wiping my eyes. I yelled at him for making me cry :) He initially teared up and the smile on his face lit up the room. It was a very special moment. It felt like we were the only ones in the room, sharing a once in a lifetime moment. There were multiple other people in the room but to me, at that moment no one else mattered but my dad and I. It was like I morphed into a little girl and melted into my daddy's arms when he hugged me right then. Having his blessing meant the world to me. Even though we lived far away, he made every attempt to get to know Ryan. He took advantage of the time we spent in Kansas City. He asked me questions about "us" and really paid attention when I talked about Ryan and our relationship.

I miss him more than words can say. Nothing and no one can take away the pain. Do you think he can read my blogs from heaven?? Or maybe he just reads my mind...

Thankful Thursday (on friday)

2011-06-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thankful that I'm the milk lady! A mama cow or milking mama, your choice, I'm happy with either. Yesterday during 12 hours I pumped 26 ounces, today I pumped 29!! TWENTY NINE ounces people! That's an insane amount, or at least for me it is. When I was pumping while nursing Bella the most I ever pumped was 19-21 ounces. I was totally happy with that but it wasn't on a regular basis. Most days I pumped 14-19 ounces, quite a broad range. While I strongly dislike pumping (it's so different from actual breastfeeding), it's what needs to be done to make milk for my babies and it's SO worth it to me! Breastfeeding is so close, cuddly, warm and loving. It creates an indescribable bond with your baby. The "milk machine" helps you keep that connection while you are away.

A few weeks ago we took the kids to the petting zoo. Grayson hung out in the Ergo (a super comfy carrier) on me and Bella had a blast playing with all of the animals. She held a baby chick, duck and rabbit. She played with baby goats, saw a GIANT pig, saw 3 pot bellied pigs, rode a pony, saw a BIG bunny, played with kitty cats and more. She loved it. Watching her enjoy herself and hearing her say "more" "hand" because she wanted to hold all of the animals, cracked me up. I really loved watching her have so much fun. That was the highlight of my trip there. As an added bonus, I was looking at the cows and reading the sign saying how much milk a cow could get in a day. I was amazed and I admit I was little jealous of the cows milking abilities! :) When you ask Bella what her favorite animal at the farm was she says "cow" even though she refused to touch the thing. Maybe she says it because deep down she knows her mama milked herself for so long and was a "cow" for her !

So there you have it, today I'm thankful for the ability to make breast milk and for the breast pump that helps keep up my supply when I can't be with my baby. I'm thankful to have breastfed Bella until after her first birthday and I'm hopeful I can do the same thing for Grayson John.

Back to work

2011-06-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the big day, after 12 weeks off I was back to work again. Being a stay at home mom was HARD work and I bow down to all of you who do it day in and day out. I loved every second of it and wouldn't trade it for the world but it was hard! I think working might be easier in one way but clearly harder in others. They both have their perks and their downsides. Someday, I'd love to cut back my hours and work part time but for now I'm back to full time. I'm trying to look at all the positives of being a working mom, my dad taught me you always have to look at the glass half full.

There are positives to being a working mom that I've thought of. I truly appreciate every single second I get to have with my kids. I take advantage of all the hugs and kisses, the tears and the giggles. I embrace it all, whatever it is the day has to offer. Instead of dreading a long day with crabby babies, I embrace that if they are crabby, maybe they'll want more mama cuddles :) The bonus to working three 12 hour shifts is that 4 days a week I get to be with my babies ALL DAY LONG! The negative about working 12 hour shifts is that on 3 days a week I don't see my bug at all, she's asleep when I leave and asleep when I get home. I only get to go in and see her sweet sleeping face. Another bonus is that because I work, we will have some extra money to go into the bank or to use for vacation or fun stuff. So that means more fun for all of us in the time I have off! As Bella would say "shopping"! Or going for ice cream or a vacation or who knows what.

Yesterday was a long day. I am lucky to have an incredible sister in law that takes great are of my babies while I'm working. She loves them like no one else can. I was able to work my shift without worrying about my kids. On a side note I was a milk machine! I think I pumped around 26 ounces in 12 hours!! Oh and just to throw things for a loop, the kid that NEVER misses a meal, boycotted the bottle. He ended up taking about 4-6 ounces all day. I'm sure soon enough he'll get the hang of the bottle again and take it without a problem. If you've seen his rolly polly wrists, his chunky monkey thighs or the dimples in his fingers, you'll know that he won't boycott for too long! :) My sister in law assured me that he was happy despite not eating much. I had a great day using my brain and getting back into the groove again.

Remind me to come read this post if I can't see the positive of working!

~Bella is 22 months old and Grayson is 12 weeks and 3 days old.

*when did I have an almost 2 yr old and almost 3 month old? Holy crap!!*

Thankful Thursday ( 2 days late!)

2011-05-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

Better late than never right? Thursday was a BIG day for me :)

Six years ago on that day, Ryan flew into Kansas City to get me so we could drive my packed to the gills Honda Civic across the country to Seattle. Six years people!! That's a big deal and I'm so glad we both jumped feet first to see "what would happen" with the two of us if we were in the same city. Clearly it worked out in our favor! Six years, three states, an engagement, the purchase of two properties, the selling of two properties, a marriage, two beautiful healthy babies and two MAJOR moves later... here we are.

I'm blessed in more ways than one. Six years ago, we embarked on a journey that has taken us so many places but most of all, it has taken us to a place of deeper love. I am more in love today than I was years ago, weeks ago, days ago. I love my husband more than words in a blog could ever say. Thank you LFL for convincing me to move back to the west coast when I said I was done with the west coast. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Thank you for loving me to the moon and back. Thank you for loving our little people to the ends of the earth even when they are screaming and chasing you around the house :) Thank you for being you! I love you and WE love you!!

Happy Six Years dati-versary! Cheers to many, many, many more!!

I left my kids with strangers-Part 3

2011-05-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

(mama and her favorite girl!)

I took a jump and joined the WAC! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I desperately want to feel "normal" again and feel good about my body and myself overall. I'm not sure what "normal" is but I'll figure it out as I go along. I'm so excited to be taking charge and taking a little time each day for me.

(Mama's smiley boy!)

As a mother, I've struggled with finding a balance. A balance between being a mother, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a person who enjoys to sew, a sister, a crafter, a best friend, active, etc... you name it! The balance is a tough one to find and some of my friends and family have said that they were never able to strike a balance. They just lived their life being a mom and neglected so many things that they loved until they were older and the kids were in school. I don't want to be that mom. I'm not bashing those that did that or are still doing that. I just know for me to be the best mom I can be to my children, I need to take time to take care of myself. To me, taking care of myself means doing things that I loved before having little ones and things that make me feel good about myself.

Now don't get me wrong, my babies and my husband are my number one priority. They are my family, the family that I created and I live and breathe for them. They are everything to me and I would wipe out any other thing in my life to do what needed to be done for them. They are my world! That's why on the hunt for the perfect gym, I needed to be sure that my kiddos were well taken care of and that they were happy. I feel like I've found that place. I've worked out several times now (today with a trainer who chewed up my abs and spit them back out on a plate- yikes!) and each and every time, the kids are happy when I go to pick them up. Bella was playing and singing today! Grayson was being cuddled by one of the ladies. Each time I pick them up they are both happy, yesterday Grayson was asleep curled up on the chest of one of the workers (spoiled baby!). It reinforces that I have made the right decision for us! I feel good leaving them and knowing that I'm taking time to get in shape and feel good. It feels good to know that I don't have to worry about them while I'm taking some "me" time.

(take #764 for a mother's day picture with my kiddos- as you can see the Ladybug was having a major meltdown)

I challenge each of my "mom" friends to find that balance. I'm still working on it. I go back to work in a week and a half which will add a new dimension to having two kids under two and working full time. I think all of us mom's need to find a balance between being a mom and all of the other roles that we play in our lives. I challenge you to take a few minutes for you and to comment on my blog and tell me what you did and how you felt about it. I'll continue to blog about my journey to finding that balance.

For now, I'm off to snuggle with my little prince :) It's nap time at the Zizzo house!

~Bella Kailani is 22 months old and Grayson John is 10 weeks and 5 days old

~Mama's abs are thanking her for making them work hard today! it's good to know they are still in there!

Thankful Thursday

2011-05-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

(a day late!) But thanks to my Aunt Cee Cee, I plan to participate. It's good to be thankful and to write it out so you actually think about it. I encourage YOU to participate too! If you have a blog and you'll be participating, leave a comment with the link. If you don't have a blog, start one or write it down each week on a piece of paper in the same spot each week.

This week I'm thankful for my dad and the almost 31 years I got to have him in my life and the many things I learned from him in that too short time. I'm still sad and I wish I would have had him longer. What I would give for 5 more minutes, one more phone call... There are things each and every single day that I would like to share with him and tell him. There are still times I want to call him for advice. He was my go to guy when I needed someone a little older, a little wiser, a little smarter, my support, my never judging, always listening, open hearted, fix anything, he was MY dad! That said, some people don't ever get their dad in their life, maybe he died before they were born or maybe he was never around. I'm lucky that I got to have him for as long as I did. While I'll always wish I had a little more, I am thankful for what we did have. I'm thankful for the time I had, for the things I learned, for the love we had. I'm thankful that he taught me how to listen without judging and how to respect other people's opinions and beliefs even if I disagreed. We had the father daughter relationship little girls dream of and for that, I am so, so thankful!

~Today I am 31 years old and still cry like a baby when I want my daddy

I left my kids with strangers-Part 2

2011-05-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

And I discovered that first impressions have a bigger impact on me than I initially thought. I am in the midst of my week trial at gym #3, the Princeton Club. It seemed like it had a lot to offer (the lowest price, biggest place, newest equipment, stellar pool, childcare that wasn't a zoo) so I was excited to see if it was all it was all it was cracked up to be.

Monday, we did our normal thing then got all packed up to head in to the gym. It's about a 12 minute drive from our house. We parked and I got both kids inside to the kids club. The lady that greeted us did not give me the warm fuzzies but the other lady working there seemed very friendly. I gave them a few instructions and I was off. The bonus to this place is that you can watch the kids club on the cardio equipment. Well I could only see Bella because the infant room doesn't have cameras (which is a good thing in my opinion). I watched for about 20 minutes (does that make me sound a little OCD?) and not one staff member interacted with Bella, that bothered me a bit. She was playing with the other kids though and was giggling so I left her in there while I finished up. When I picked up the kids, the same non-warm-fuzzy lady checked them back out to me. I left wondering if I was too critical of the lady...

Tuesday, we went back. The non-warm-fuzzy lady wasn't there and a younger girl checked us in. There was all different staff except for one lady. I dropped the kids off and did my workout. Bella had no problem going back there so it must not have been bad, I wish she could talk more so she could tell me herself! I worked out then watched for about 15 minutes on the camera while I did cardio and no one interacted with Bella again. I went in and picked her up and her and I went to the pool. Grayson was sleeping at that time so he was good to go. Her and I played in the pool but she wasn't as interested as I thought she would be. She kept saying "done", "bubba", "go". The water was warm so I'm not sure why she wasn't having fun. Her and I showered and went to pick up Grayson. When we got there the younger lady said "um yeah so you can't leave him in here longer than an hour and 30 minutes until he's 6 months old". I apologized and explained that it took longer than expected to get Bella cleaned up from the pool. She just nodded. He ended up being in there for 15 mins too long. Needless to say, he was SCREAMING bloody murder and she said he'd been crying for awhile and he was in the swing... Ok problem! He was in the swing while one lady was sweeping, one lady was sitting on the floor in silence (while 6 kids played around her) and another lady was just walking around in there.. what the heck?!

It's Wednesday and I'm SORE! That's a good thing since it means I worked hard enough to make my muscles remind me that they need love too :) I'm planning to email the guy from the second gym and see if he can come down a little on the price. Either way, I've made my mind up so there's no need to go back to this gym. My kids are the most important thing in my life which means they have the biggest impact on my final decision. Although there are no cameras at the other gym, I felt confident that the women working there interacted with the kids and when I went to pick them up, they were both quiet and Bella was having a blast, she didn't want to leave!

There you have it, my final decision. I struggle with finding time for me as a mom. It's something I've struggled with since Bella was born. I know many of my "mom" friends struggle with that too, finding a balance between being a mom and being other things (a wife, a friend, in shape, doing their hobbies, working, etc). I'm working very hard to find that balance and I'm lucky to have a husband that supports me 110%. It makes all the difference. Being active and feeling good about myself are important to me and by making a little time to do work out, I feel better about myself which in turn makes me a better mom. Ryan has always said it's important to do the things you love and find time for you and he's right! I'm finally getting it! 2 kids and 21 months later!

Big boy!

2011-05-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Grayson is 2 months old, when did that happen? My big newborn has proven to be a big boy, he weighed in at a whopping 13lbs 15oz yesterday! Holy cats! Bella only weighed 9lbs 14.5 oz at her 2 month visit. It's amazing how different, yet how much the same they can be.

He's still nursing like a champ. He's taken a couple of bottles successfully and the flow on the bottles is actually slower than my milk flow so he does very well with it. Either way you cut it, the kid likes his milk :) Bella had a clear preference to milk from the tap and refused bottles for quite some time. We've finally figured out that he has silent reflux so that's why he has been so crabby sometimes. Poor guy was in terrible pain. There was one day he cried off and on (mostly on) for 2 hours! Needless to say, mama cried for part of that time too. Bella must have thought we were both crazy! She kept saying "Bubba cry" and "mama cry"... All of the normal techniques failed us that day and we ended up in the car driving around until he fell asleep, which was 15 minutes. Bella was a trooper and just sat in the back and played with her baby doll. We've started mylanta and Gripe water, they seem to making a world of difference in just 2 days. We'll start Zantac if we need to.

He's developing so much personality too! He's smiling up a storm and recognizes daddy, mama and Bella. You should see the way he focuses on Bella and smiles like crazy at her. Most time she's far too busy to be bothered by him but sometimes she stops and makes silly faces or shares her toys with him. Lately she's taken to sitting a baby doll right next to him so she's sharing her baby with him, it's very sweet. She also wants to share her food with him but she knows he only drinks mama's milk now. He's started cooing too and making random noises. It's so much fun to watch him grow and become a little person with so much life ahead of him.

Our house is busy with a 21 month old and a 2 month old but it's SO much fun! I wouldn't trade it for the whole world!

I left my kids with strangers

2011-05-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

There I said it and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I've been struggling with the burning desire to get back in shape (or at least back to semi-normal) and the heartbreak of knowing it meant having to leave my kids with someone.

I could take them out to my amazing sister in laws house for a couple of hours and go work out and then go get them but that sounds like such a production just for a quick workout session. I would spend more time in the car then actually at the gym. I've been so blessed to have her take care of Bella her entire life, someone who knows me, knows Ryan, loves Bella beyond words and would do anything for her. It's a BIG deal! I feel lucky to have such a great situation. She's honest with me about Bella having a good day or bad day and how she's eating and acting. That's important. It makes me feel good. It also makes me feel good to go to work and use my brain knowing that my child is safe and secure in the arms of her aunt...

Back to the gym thing... so I toured 3 different gyms, the biggest ones in our area. The first one was the YMCA. I was a member when I was in nursing school *cough-11 years ago-cough* and it was a great place to work out. Many of my friends worked out there so it was nice to socialize while trying to get in shape. Well the one I toured here was beautiful. Much bigger than the one a couple *cough-11 years ago-cough*, it had brand new state of the art equipment, multiple group exercise rooms, two pools, computerized training data to help you keep track of your work out, a giant child care area... Yeah so about that... The childcare area had WAY too many kids and not enough staff. The little babies were screaming bloody murder in cribs, the toddlers were pushing and yelling, the older kids looked like there were in shock with everything around them. There were about 30 kids with 2-3 staff members. When I asked about how they knew they were giving the right kid to the right mom/dad, the tour guide guy said "umm I'm not to sure"... WTF?!! Really? Thankfully another mom was standing there and explained the process. That pretty much answered that no matter how nice the place was, the child care area was crazier than a zoo at feeding time and I was NOT leaving my children there! I loved these little people (aka Ladybug and Mr. Moose) and this place was not good...

On to the second place I went. It's called WAC or Wisconsin Athletic Club. There are six locations but the one closest to us is about 5-7 minutes away. It's small but there are several different areas to chose from. The guy that gave me the tour was able to explain everything to me, even how they matched the parents to the kid (bonus points for him for knowing this super important thing!) He's a seller and wants people to join but he's not pushy. He gave me the pros and cons to the location that I was looking at and was honest about them. One of the cons he said was that it's a small place and if you are looking for a big gym, then this simply wouldn't be the place. Point taken. I signed on the dotted line to get a week trial and see how it went... so a couple of days later I went back.

There you have it, I went there and left both of my kids with strangers. Three really nice ladies worked in the child area and were very welcoming. Bella went right to them and didn't even want to kiss me good-bye! Stinker! Grayson, well he's too young to communicate with words but he didn't cry :) I kissed him on the head and gave them a few things to know "here's Grayson's paci but he doesn't like it much, he ate last 30 mins ago, they both have clean diapers, Bella is very friendly but doesn't like kids to examine her hand, if she seems annoyed watch to be sure other kids aren't holding her hand and making her angry, here's her sippy with water, blah blah". I did 30 mins of cardio and peaked in the window at the kids. Bella was playing with some other kids and laughing! Grayson was asleep and snuggled in the arms of one of the ladies. So I finished my 30 mins and went back to get them. Grayson was asleep and Bella didn't want to leave! All good signs.

Now, I need to try gym #3, Princeton Club. It's the lowest price, biggest place and has a stellar pool for Bella (zero depth entry). I toured it and it's very nice. The childcare area was clean and the staff was welcoming and it wasn't a zoo! We'll see if it's all its cracked up to be. I'll keep you posted :)

Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful Mama!

2011-05-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a very lucky girl and this mother's day I have a greater appreciation for my mother than years ever before. This year, I walk in her foot steps, I have two kids just like she did years ago. She never uttered how hard it was to have two small kids pulling at your pant legs yelling "mama" or "mommy" and the other screaming bloody murder or better yet both of them screaming :) Once you become a mom, your life is never, ever the same...You never get a moment to yourself, you no longer go to the bathroom in silence, you can't flip through a magazine with all the pages because someone has torn out a page- or ten!, your body is never the same, your boobs hang a little lower, your hair is always a hot mess, your smile is a little bigger, your eyes sparkle a little brighter, your heart loves more than imaginable, your happiness is indescribable, your arms a little buffer from having two kids on your hips, your life is full of giggles and laughter.

Thank you Mom! Thank you for loving me to the moon and back. Thank you for teaching me to put others before myself. Thank you for eating cold dinners for so many years so my brother, father and I could have hot dinner. Thank you for doing the dishes, cleaning the house, laying on the floor and playing with us, taking us to feed the fish at the lake, endless car rides to put us to sleep, rocking us in the wee hours of the night when you were totally exhausted, fixing our tummy aches, tickling my back at night, listening to our fears, thoughts, hopes and dreams, encouraging us, taking me to look for homeless people :) playing cards with me in high school, being the cool mom and letting our friends hang out at our house, teaching me to be frugal, reminding me that money can't buy happiness or love, coming to different states to see me and explore where I was living and loving life, helping me when my dad was losing his life, welcoming my husband in your life as one of your own, fighting to survive cancer, staying strong, loving my children like only you can, but most of all, thank you for being you, for being mine!

I know I tell you each and every time I talk to you that I love you. I hope you know how much I love you, how deep and strong my love is and how much having you here in my life means to me. I love you and appreciate you for all that you are!

Holy diapers!

2011-05-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

On one of the boards I frequent there was a poll: How much have you spent on cloth diapers (including EVERYTHING)? There were several different price ranges to click on and I was SHOCKED to see that many people spent over $1000 for ONE child! To me, that seems insane. I mean we cloth diaper for the environment but also for the savings. I'm assuming everyone who reads my blog knows me but just in case: I have two kids. We started cloth diapering Bella when she was about 2 weeks old and have ever since. Grayson has been cloth diapered since he came home from the hospital.

Below is a guesstimate on how much we've spent so far:
$180 on prefolds (we have 36 that Bella is currently using, 36 that Grayson is currently using, 12 that they've both outgrown that are stashed away for future kiddos)

$120 on covers (Bella has 4 covers, Grayson has 3 covers and we have 3 that are outgrown)

$20 for fleece liners (I bought fleece at JoAnn's and cut it myself, there are TONS of them)

$20 for hemp liners (we use these at night for Bella- there are 10 of them)

$45 for pail liners (3 of these)

$8 for snappis (we have 4 of them)

$20 for a wet bag for the diaper bag (one of them bought used)

$20 for fabric/material to make my own wet bags (I've made 4!)

$30 for cloth wipes (baby wash cloths basically, there tons of these)

That's a grand total of $463 for everything we've needed to diaper both of them. Not bad if you consider Bella's 21 months old. I have NO idea how much disposables would have cost. I'm sure a heck of a lot more than that. I should add that we cloth diaper the "cheap" way since we use prefolds but it's what works for us and if it's not broke, why fix it?

~Bella is 21 months old and napping with her bunny
~Grayson is almost 8 weeks old and smiling up a storm in the bouncer

Little Lovers

2011-05-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

The kids are totally different people yet so similar too. It's weird in some ways to me because I thought they would be entirely different little people and I'm sure as they grow, they will be. For now at this point Grayson is 7 weeks old and in so many ways he is just like Bella was when she was this age. They both fuss if they are not as close to you as they can possibly get. They are asleep in your arms and the second that you put them down in their crib or bassinet, they are wide awake and crying until they are in your arms again.

Ryan and I nicknamed each other years ago LFL aka Lovers for life :) It's our "thing" if you will so many times we sign things LFL. It's among our many other nicknames that we call each other. Basically it means that we'll stick together through thick and thin FOR LIFE! The other day, we decided that we raise little "lovers". Bella is a total lover! When she was tiny she wanted to be curled up next to us and that's the only way she would sleep was curled up in someone's armpit or next to her mama's bosom. Grayson is pretty much the same way, his favorite spot on his daddy is hanging over his daddy's arm and his favorite spot on his mama is next to his milk. Even the dog is a little lover! When you are playing on the floor with the kids she gets right in the middle to lay in your lap and she's a BIG lap dog. When she is getting ready to relax, she'll rest her head on your foot or your leg as long as she's as close as she can get.

So if you come to our house, be prepared to be loved by everyone!

~On a side note: Bella now says "thank you" when you give her something she asks for! I love it!

What I've been up to...

2011-04-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

I've been busy :) I mean I do have TWO kiddos who keep me busy from the early morning until late night... wait who am I kidding? I mean ALL night! The little guy is still a big eater, sometimes he eats every 3 hours and sometimes he wants the all night buffet. This mama lets him have his way, I mean after all, he's only this age once. I learned early on with Bella to cherish our late night feedings. Even though there were nights when I SO wanted and NEEDED sleep, her sweet face made it all worth while. So I'm cherishing his late night feedings and I've cherished them from the start. I'm also cherishing my time with the little love bug. She's growing TOO fast and repeating nearly everything you say. She's a smart girl but then again, she's related to me! :)

Besides raising our two little munchins, I've also taken some time for me. Even though I'm exhausted and could use any extra sleep I can get, I also need some time to be me. To be not just a mom but to be Sarah. Sometimes that means having an hour to myself after both kids are asleep, sometimes it means naptime, sometimes I don't get it, sometimes I clean or do laundry instead, sometimes I do nap but truth be told I have a REALLY hard time napping on demand (aka the kids schedule whenever that might be).

When I do take the time to do something for me, it usually means doing something for them :) What can I say, they tug at my heart strings! Lately I've been crafting every chance I get, it's made me feel good and productive even if that means the house is messy for a day or two longer.

This is a sweet little bandana dress I made for Bella. I made some modifications to make it fit her skinny little stringbean body a little better and it turned out OH so cute! My model wouldn't cooperate so this is the best picture I could get. As you can see from the picture, she was VERY busy!

This was my first attempt at a "wet bag". In our house, we use them to hold dirty cloth diapers. They could be used for a number of things though, like wet swimsuits in the summer . This was my first attempt at a zipper AND at sewing PUL. PUL is slippery and you can't pin it because if you poke holes in it, it won't contain the wetness. It turned out just the way I wanted though and I'm so excited! We needed a new one because the PUL on ours is breaking down. We've had it for 21 months and it's been washed a million times. I paid $19 for it, I made this one for about $3! SCORE!!

This is another sweet dress I made for Bella. No pattern used, I'm just sewing and practicing (patterns scare me!). So my first attempt was too small but we still got it on her and she kept saying "stuck" when I tried to take it off, really cute! The dress turned out adorable but I'll make more modifications next time. It was also my first attempt at a "ruffle", the area under her chest is ruffled a bit. She was very busy with her baby so my model couldn't be bothered to smile... guess maybe next time I should pay the model or at least bribe her!

This little onesie is for my sister's little guy that's due in May.

This is for his "big" sister who is also the little sister to another... aka the middle sister. They didn't want to take away that now she'll also be a BIG sister.

This is for the oldest of the bunch, she pretty much told her mom she was too cool to wear any big sister shirt. Hopefully she loves her Aunt Sarah enough to humor me at least for a picture with the rest of her siblings. Maybe if I tell her I slaved away at it she will.

This was my second attempt at a wet bag. This one is bigger than the other one so it will be perfect for both kids diapers when they are in day care. I LOVE the fabric on this one. This first one was made with scrap fabric for the outside. This one I picked the fabric special for this project. Totally worth the couple of dollars!

The view from the zipper.

Another view of the dress...

Gotta go, feeding time for Mr. Moose!!

Happy Birthday to ...

2011-04-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

ME! Yep I'm the big 31... it's true, I have no shame in my age :) I've been truly blessed to have 31 amazing years on this planet. So far it's noon and we haven't done anything to really celebrate my birthday. Thanks to all of those that dropped an email or a text or card or whatnot, I really appreciate your kind thoughts and and that you were thinking of me. When I was younger, I was so excited for the presents. This year, I'm relishing in the joy of being thankful for those "presents" around me on a daily basis. Those "presents" happen to be the people in my life. I'm so LUCKY to have so many amazing people in my life. The ones that hold me up when I am weak, hug me when I am sad, encourage me when I need a little push, make me laugh, make me cry, support me and love me endlessly. I must give the most thanks to the man who gave me the BEST presentS a girl could ask for or dream of.

LFL,
Thank you for helping me make our two beautiful babies. They are the gift that keeps giving, day in and day out. They light up my life at times when it feels like there is no light left. They bring me such joy and happiness. I love having Bella bug hanging at my tails saying "more more" or "up mama up"... I love it all, every single second. I love nursing Grayson the tank in the middle of the night when I am totally exhausted and feel like I could close my eyes at the drop of a hat. I love watching his sweet little face grow chubbier by the day and watching his personality develop. The are a gift that someone like me can only dream of, they make me fall more in love with you every single day. Thank you for making all of my dreams come true and making me a mama. You've given me the best gift of all, the gift that no one but you can give me... I love you!!
Love, the birthday girl :)

How do you say good-bye?

2011-04-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't really blogged about our time in Kansas City for Dad's celebration of life... It seems wrong to me to "celebrate" his life when it was cut so short. I know the purpose for calling it a "celebration of life" is to celebrate the life that he led while he was here physically on this earth but it still seems odd. I've explained my feelings to a couple of people, the people I'm closest to and love me no matter what and I'll explain it here. Sometimes it feels better to let it out and this blog is my freedom to do just that. After all, if people read it that's great, if not that's ok too, it's mostly for me and for my kids anyhow. It's also a way to let others who know me to have a further glimpse into my life, my heart, my soul...

Anyways, so the grieving/letting go thing... For some time now, I've felt like I'm sitting outside of a big picture window, watching people grieve who've just lost someone that they love like no other. I cried my eyes out, I couldn't catch my breath the day my dad died, it felt like my heart and just been ripped out of my chest while another part of me knew my heart would double when I gave birth to my son that was peaceful in my womb. It felt strange and I felt alone, no one could possibly understand what it felt like to be living the circle of life in full force. I fought hard not to be sad and not to be overly emotional, I didn't want it to effect my unborn son, after all, I was thrilled beyond words that he was coming into our lives.

Since my dad passed away, I've gone through a world wind of emotions that are unexplainable, unimaginable for most. I can't put into words how I've felt. Many days, I'm just enjoying my sassy, spunky 20 month old and my big, cuddly baby boy. It's hard to grieve and let my emotions overcome me when I'm in charge of both of them and their life and happiness depends on me. It's when Bella and Ryan are fast asleep and Grayson is nursing or cuddled on my chest that my emotions of my dad being gone overcome me. It's the time I feel like it's ok to let go and let my emotions take control for a brief period of time.

When I was in Kansas City, so many things were going on. People that I loved and were close to me were meeting my son for the very first time, they were happy and joyful, as was I. They were playing with Bella and she was giggling so much that he tiny body shook with excitement. It was so much fun to watch her exploring and falling in love with so many people that I already loved and that already loved her. . The emotions scooped me up on our way from Ginny's to his house, I knew he wouldn't be there and it killed me inside. I pulled it together a little bit and we went inside, then it was back to "normal", chasing a toddler, nursing a newborn, getting our stuff settled into place, eating, visiting... you get it. I felt like I was waiting for my dad to come home, like he was on a trip somewhere far away and his plane got delayed on his way to be with us. Days passed, we went through some stuff, people came and visited and left, life went on. It didn't hit me again until one night when Grayson was inconsolable and I took him into the living room. I was alone, it was dark, the light shimmered off the big mirror, the fan twirled, the glisten of his urn caught my eye... I sat in his chair with his grandson who calmed as soon as I sat down and I cried, cried so hard I thought I might wake someone but I didn't care. It was my time. I felt his presence, like he was there watching me rock his grandson, watching me cry and telling me it was all ok. It was ok to be sad, it was ok to be happy, he loved me, he loved us and he wanted me to embrace my emotions and my fears.

Then the rest of the days went on... his "celebration of life" happened. I felt like I was once again sitting outside of a big window display with people crying, mourning, laughing, hugging, loving and I was watching it all. As if I was out of my own body, watching it happen to someone else. It's hard to describe. It's a terrible feeling. I didn't let go that day, I cried only a little. I cried the most when all of his biker buddies rode in, my dad should have rode in too, it hit me for a brief second that he wasn't riding in and my body melted into my aunt's arms then I pulled it back together. Instead of that being "my" day to fully say goodbye, I mostly consoled other people who were trying to console me. I didn't let go, I refuse to let go, I refuse to say goodbye....

Days have since came and went, it's been over a month. I will be 31 in 2 short days. It seems odd to know that my dad won't be calling to say "happy birthday baby girl" and if anyone tries to call me "baby girl" that day, I might just hang up on them... The other night, I let go once again. I let my feelings and emotions overcome me after building up for days and days. It started when I took Bella to the doctor and a 17ish year old girl was staring at her hand. So many things crossed my mind, I wanted to tell the girl "she was born that way" or "I noticed you looking at her hand, do you wanna ask me anything?" or "please don't stare"... most of all, I wanted to call my dad. I wanted to say "what do you say when people stare at your leg? how does it make you feel? What should I say to people who stare at our bug?" I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted HIS advice and no one else's! I pushed my emotions and feelings deep down inside until something happened a few days later and triggered me wanting to call him again... then that night, I melted into my husband's arms and cried until I fell fast asleep.

Today, I'm grieving. Tomorrow, I'll be back on the other side of that window, watching this happen to some other 30 year old girl with two small children...

Happy one month Grayson John

2011-04-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

**I started this post yesterday but with two kids, it didn't get posted until today**

Where did the time go? At this time (11:50am) exactly 1 month ago, I was holding my little man's tiny slimy body up against my belly. I was admiring his tiny lips, his long toes, his daddy's hands in mini form, his big blue eyes, his thin short brown hair and rejoicing every single time he cried. My little man is already a month old already! It's hard to believe that I've somehow managed to keep two kids under the age of two alive and thriving AND happy for the past month. The world wind of emotions hasn't slowed me down... much. More on that later.

Grayson is growing like a weed! Bella was still a tiny peanut at this point in her life. Grayson is a TANK! He's one big boy. I swear he looks like a 2 month old at least and feels like I'm carrying an overfilled sack of potatoes. He's handsome, warm and cuddly. He tends to overeat and then spit up which means extra laundry for us but if eating makes him happy and makes him feel good then nurse away little bub. He's taken to the paci which Bella gagged on at every attempt. He's not what I would consider a giant fan but it seems to console him for short times here and there when he doesn't want to keep nursing but wants to keep sucking.

Life with 2 kids under two is challenging. What do you do if both of them are crying? How do you get the courage up to get out of the house with both of them ALONE? How many times do you clean up the tornado that sweeps the house multiple times a day? How on earth do you eat? How do you catch up on sleep? When do you sleep? How do you continue to do fun activities for the older one? So far, we're figuring it out. Most of the time, Ryan tends to Bella's needs and I tend to Grayson's needs. It's easier that way since Grayson is nursing, most of the time he NEEDS me so there's nothing Ryan could do to "fix" him. It's a little more challenging when I'm here alone, imagine both of them screaming and me trying to use the bathroom since I've been holding it for hours! Good times :) As far as both of them crying, I usually go to Bella first since she understands if she's being ignored. She's usually easy to "fix" and then I tend to Grayson. I ~~inhale~~ eat when I have time, sometimes it's a full meal (which is usually cold or room temperature if I'm lucky) and other times it's whatever I can quickly eat to survive. The ~~toddler~~ tornado is just barely picked up when the little people fall asleep, if we have the time or energy. Sleep? What's that?

I did leave the house alone with both of them to go to Outpost to get some yogurt that I really wanted. It was a short trip, maybe an hour total. I parked close to a cart and unloaded her first and then him since it takes less time to get him in and out. On the reverse, I loaded him first and then her. It took about 10 seconds to pop his car seat in and then I was able to get her situated. It worked for us but I wasn't brave enough to go anywhere else that day :) Well we did play sidewalk chalk and bubbles in the front yard while Grayson was in the stroller hanging out. Bella REALLY enjoyed the bubbles best and it was good for her to get some fresh air. Our double stroller finally arrived so we'll be testing it out later today.

The main thing is that life is good. Life is better than good, life is GRAND! I have two beautiful babies that are healthy and happy and growing bigger every day. I'm embracing the little moments that I have with each of them and showering them with all the love daily. My heart doubled in size the day I gave birth to Grayson. It's amazing. It's difficult but I can't tell you how worth it that it is. I would do it again in an instant. Even in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted, I look at Grayson's sweet face and listen to him nursing and think about how full my life is. Full of unconditional love, full of joy, full of happiness. Does it get any better than this?!

~Grayson John is 1 month old and Bella Boo is 20 months old and loves to feed her baby dolls :)

2 kids under the age of 2 makes for crazy days and nights!

2011-03-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

I mean I knew it would be crazy but it's nuts! Grayson eats nonstop! I mean if I could keep the kid attached 24/7, his life would be cake! One night he ate every hour, pretty much on the hour, which meant I would wake up, change his diaper, feed him, burp him, put him down, go to the bathroom, wash my hands and he'd be ready to go again. Talk about NO sleep. It's all worth it though. The picture above is priceless, both my babies snuggled up next to me. I LOVE it, this my friends is what life is all about. The stretch marks, toddler screaming out in the night, babe wanting to be snuggled, sleepless nights, altered body image, engorged boobs, exhausted days, hunting for something to eat in the middle of the night when I'm starving, it's all worth it!

I've been lucky to have plenty of help. Ryan was off until my mom and Mark got here and now they've been here. My mother in law brought us food a few days which was awesome. My mom and Mark have been cooking, cleaning and helping me go places I want to go with two little ones. It's been good. I'm not sure how things will work after the help leaves though! I haven't ventured out of the house alone with both of them and honestly I'm a little nervous on how that will happen. I can picture it now, Grayson screaming bloody murder for food and Bella throwing God knows what over the side of the shopping cart while screaming NUM NUM NUM because she wants snacks for herself :) Maybe it'll go smoother than I expect though. We still haven't bought a double stroller and haven't even really had the time to look or test drive them. I wanted to wait until we had both kids to put in the stroller to test them out. It sounds crazy but what seems like it would work and what actually DOES work can be two totally different things.

As far as my emotions... well they are running high as you can probably imagine. I've had a couple of meltdowns during the day but I've mostly been able to hold it together. My body isn't back to normal, imagine that! I'm living in yoga pants and nursing tanks. I SO want to feel and look normal, aka like a hot mom, not a HOT MESS! At least that's how I feel most days, like a complete mess. I'm lucky to shower and feel decent. What do you wear during the postpartum period when nothing fits? Then the dilemma will be, what do you wear in the summer when nursing and still look and feel good about yourself? If you have ideas, send them my way! No cute sundresses for me this summer, this baby eats like a boy and he needs quick access to his food at all times!

The other thing I'm figuring out... How do you grieve the loss of the man you thought hung the moon while chasing a 20 month old and breastfeeding a newborn? I'll tell you how, in the middle of the night. There's been several times I've been nursing him in the middle of the night and just cried while I watched him nurse. Yep, I said it. While I'm doing the one of the things I love most about being a mom, I'm crying. Nursing actually makes me feel really good about myself. It makes me feel proud, accomplished, wanted and needed. I honestly love it, even when it feels like a piranha has attached my precious nipples! I don't know why it triggers the tears, maybe because it's when I'm alone and feel like I finally have time to unwind and destress. Crying helps me unwind and it feels good to let my emotions run free. I am glad that I became a mother before my dad passed away. It makes me feel good to TRULY understand the love he felt for my brother and I. I think you can't fully understand how your parents feel about you until you are a parent yourself...

It makes me feel sad that my dad will never hold my son and that I'll never get a picture of the two of them for Grayson's baby book. The picture of my dad holding Bella is one that I will forever treasure, you can see his happiness from miles away in that picture. But then again my Aunt CeeCee said something in an email that made me feel better, she said that she knew my dad met Grayson before I did. My dad got to hold and rock him and then help deliver him safely into my arms and I honestly believe that... it provides me some comfort. Yet with all of that said, I still don't feel like I've fully digested the fact that my dad is really gone... forever...

I'm learning, I'm figuring out lots of things in these first few weeks. I'm figuring out how to take care of two little ones, how to deal with my emotions, how to tend to Bella while nursing her brother, how to keep her bubba quiet and get her situated to eat, how to handle tantrums and meltdowns, how to look and feel good about myself. It's going to continue to be a learning curve for all of us for awhile. The one thing that I didn't need to learn, how to love two kids to the ends of the earth and back!

~Grayson is 2 weeks old and weighs 10lbs 9.5 oz and Bella is 20 months and talking up a storm!

Welcome to the world baby Grayson John!

2011-03-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

So I lost the paper that I had all of the details on but I'm trying to go off of memory here... I'll update and delete this line if/once I find it...

On Friday night around 11:40 pm I woke up to go to the bathroom. Once I sat on the toilet I felt a small bit of water come out, I chalked it up to uh that's not what it felt like with Bella and finished my business to get back into bed. At 11:45 pm my first contraction came. I never felt "natural" contractions with Bella since they started me on pitocin so once again I chalked it up as a cramp from moving around. At midnight, the "cramp" was back. I woke Ryan up to tell him I thought I might be in labor and needed him to time what I thought were contractions. They started coming every 15-30 minutes and lasted for a minute and a half to two minutes. We tried to relax and just hang out in bed for awhile but we were both too excited and nervous to sleep. Could this really be it? Could be really be in labor?

Around 1230 I tried to close my eyes and lay my head down. The contractions were strong and intense. I would pop out of bed have a contraction and then lay back down. During that time I was resting and had my eyes closed, I wasn't fully asleep, I had a vision of my dad. The vision was of him and I at his tool and dye shop and I was a young girl around 5 years old. I was playing and he was sitting on a tall barstool running his machine smiling and watching me play. I was giggling and laughing and bouncing all around. There was a big roll up garage door like thing that was open and the shine was brightly, almost blindly, shining in the door. It was sunny and spring like weather, you could smell spring in the air. I'm sure it wasn't a real "dream" and I'm pretty sure I was never at his tool and dye shop when I was so young. I think it was his way to say he was there with us, that he was bringing Grayson to us and to welcome him. It brought me an immense amount of comfort and peace. It was like a heavy bolder had been lifted off of me... my dad knew we were in labor, my dad was bringing our son to us.

At about 2 we got up. Ryan took a shower and we finished packing up the hospital bag and Bella's bag and food for Bella. Ryan packed a bag for himself then started loading stuff in the car. My contractions were coming more frequently and lasting longer. Around 4, Bella woke up fussing. At this point my contractions were every 4-6 minutes, lasting for about 1 1/2 minutes each. I'm not sure if she heard us moving around throughout the house or what but I raced in to her room. I wanted to fully embrace what may be my last opportunity with just my daughter before we opened our arms to a new life. I changed her diaper, held her and rocked her while standing up. In a matter of being in her room for 15 minutes I had at least 4 contractions. Having contractions and holding a 21+ lb toddler was quite intense. I finally laid her back into her crib but she cried each time I tried to leave her room. So I sat on her floor with my arm through her crib and we held hands until she fell back to sleep. Once she was fast asleep I left her room.

When I came out of her room it was 5 am and I told Ryan, "It's time to call your dad, I'm pretty sure it's time to go". I went downstairs to get something and he called his dad. His dad headed over, we gave him some instructions for Bella and we headed to the hospital. We got in Ryan's truck where I had another contraction. It was a 6 minute ride to the hospital and I had two more contractions BEFORE we got to the hospital. I was turned around with my butt facing the window, hugging the seat, trying to remain calm and breathe through the contractions. Once we got there they checked things out, I was dilated to a 3-4, 75% effaced and contracting every 3-4 minutes so they got me a room.

Once in our room they started all of the paperwork stuff, pulled the epidural cart outside of our room and wanted to start an IV. I nicely asked several times if they could wait for the IV because I really wanted to try to use the tub or shower to see if it would help with the pain. They finally said "well I guess we can wait". I also said I wanted to wait for the epidural and see what my body did on it's own. I asked for the birthing ball and then asked to get in the tub. I got in the tub first with my bikini on (I'm sure that was a sight!) but I felt weird to be naked with people coming in and out of the room. I asked Ryan to get in and at first he said no. Then he got his trunks on and got in with me. He was at one end facing me and I was at the other end. He was trying to rub my feet and talk me through my contractions.

Finally a point came when I felt like I could no longer breath through the contractions and Ryan was working very hard to help me. I got out, dried off and promptly said "call the nurse I want the epidural NOW". That was around 7:45 am. I sat in the rocking chair having contractions and kept asking Ryan to call the nurse AGAIN and he said "it's only been 3 minutes". My contractions were fierce and coming like wild fire. Once she came in, she asked me to get back in bed. She checked me again. I was 5-6 cm and 85% effaced AND my water had broke in the tub. No wonder why my contractions were so brutal! She started the IV and gave me a dose of IV meds until the anesthesiologist could come in. Once he came in, I wanted to kiss his face! I was on my left side while he started my epidural, I had about 4 more contractions before it started to take effect.

At 11:05 am I asked for more meds. My epidural was NOT working. The nurse pressed my pain button and then checked me again. I was 100% effaced and complete. She pushed the call light to tell the staff to call my doctor it was time to go. At 11:15 I started pushing. It felt like the "ring of fire" I had read about on the internet. It was like his head was a match lighting everything! I kept asking for more meds and the nurse nicely said "oh it won't work any more now that your pushing"... Did I mention wanting to squeeze her head until it popped off?! I wanted more meds, it hurt like hell! I pushed for about 30 minutes and at 11:44 am Grayson John was born. He came out with the cord loosely around his neck so the doctor untangled him and he was limp and totally purple. I remembered my dad telling me how purple I was when I was born. The doctor held him and sucked his nose and mouth while I reached down and rubbed his back and finally he started crying. She put his slimy little body on my belly and I kept kissing his head. My sweet, sweet boy was finally here!!

His Apgars were 8 and 9. He weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 21 inches long with short brown hair all over his head. His body was covered in bloody fluid not like Bella who was completely covered in vernix (the white cottage cheese stuff). Their births were SO different and yet equally incredible! My BIG boy was already nursing within 20 minutes. He nursed for about 30 minutes on each side and he was a champion nurser. I was blessed yet again. We have a beautiful, healthy, happy, bubbly, sassy 19 1/2 month old daughter and now we have our son. He was here to help me mend my aching heart, to bring me joy and life again, to remind me that when one door closes, another widely opens.

As many of you know, we initially planned on naming him Grayson Ryan but in light of everything that happened, Ryan and I had a few talks about honoring my dad by giving Grayson part of his name somehow. We talked about using John, Thomas or Frala as his middle name. Ryan thought that John was the best because that's how people knew my dad, I agreed. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is so loving and supportive. I'm not sure Ryan will ever fully understand how much it means to me to have our son named after my father. Somehow, each time when I look at my son, I think of the life that my father lived, living each moment to it's fullest, having such a positive attitude, loving his family and not taking things for granted. Ryan and my dad are a lot alike, maybe that's what drew me to Ryan. Despite having something terrible happen, I am reminded each day to live my life to the fullest, to be the best that I can be, to take from my dad what he gave me, many lessons learned, love unconditionally and marrying your best friend.

~Grayson John is 9 days old and his big sister is calling him "bubba" :)

How can I help you say goodbye?

2011-03-12T00:38:00.000-08:00

Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Will time really ease my pain? I've cried my eyes out and nothing seems to make it better or go away. Yes it's fresh, less than 24 hours old but honestly, I'm not sure time does heal all wounds, it just makes the hole a little less gapping and the salt poured in a little less harsh. It's like waking up from a nightmare and breathing a sigh of relief that it was only a nightmare... except my nightmare is reality, there is no sigh of relief.

Old man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."

I know this place on earth is only our temporary home, I knew he wouldn't be here forever but in his mid 50's? Really? What the f*ck?! Am I angry? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Is my heart broken into a million pieces? No, more like a million and one. Am I trying to stay strong because I'm carrying his grandson? You bet. This is by far, hands down the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with in my life. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, sitting in Wisconsin and can't leave because I need to be here for my doctors and the birth of this baby, no way would I put him in harms way. He'll be be lifeline at the end of this difficult journey. My dad has had his fair share of issues, losing a leg, a collapsed lung, multiple tests to rule out cancer but he had the most positive attitude and outlook on life. I mean the dude lost a leg and he laughed and joked about it! That was my dad, that was his style, he'd always say "never say it can't get any worse because it can!"

Some progress is better than none

2011-03-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of me at just about 38 weeks pregnant. It was a really terrible day but I still wanted to capture the way my belly looked so round and big! My aunt passed away unexpectedly and I was dealing with my emotions all day long...

It's a good thing I have a toddler to quickly distract me no matter what is going on in the world around us. She constantly brings a smile to my face, in good times and not so good times. This picture is proof that she tortured her brother before he was even in the outside world :) I guess it's also proof that I let her!

And here's my view, impressive huh?

How far along: 38 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain: Holding at 35 lbs, I actually lost 1/2 lb in the last week and have no idea how that happened.

Inches gained: 15+ inches!!

Grayson's heartbeat: 145 today

Maternity clothes: see the previous post about everything hanging out... I have a nice cool breeze ALWAYS because my belly fits in NOTHING!

Stretch marks: So yeah about those... only a boy would do that to his mama because he has no idea how women feel :) I have about 8 of them, not like I'm counting!! Did I mention that most of them are on the left lower side since he tends to hang out over on that side. My belly always looks lopsided.

Sleep: So last night, I woke up to go to the bathroom but I was in the middle of a dream that I was in labor so when I woke up, I thought OMG I'm in labor?! No wait, I just woke up and have to go to the bathroom... am I in labor? Well you guessed it, I was totally confused from the dream. I went to the bathroom and back to sleep I went for another couple of hours.

Worst moment of the week: My aunt Mary passing away unexpectedly and me not being able to be there with my family. It was hard, we all survived and we're all still dealing with our many emotions. It still seems unreal to me.

Best moment of the week: having my little Bella bring so much joy to my life in such a difficult, emotional time

Food cravings: Chili with cornbread, poor Ryan has had it once a week for months!

Labor signs: I did have contractions every 15 mins at work for one hour and then they promptly stopped... talk about teasing! It's like dangling cake in front of someone on a diet!

Belly button: completely flat

What I miss: well it was a tough week and I missed my family

What I'm looking forward to: real live labor folks!

Milestones: He's still head down but hasn't dropped yet. I'm dilated to 1-2 cm (yep I caved and had Dr Becky check me) and am about 50% effaced. She said that she's pretty sure she'll see me next week but that I won't go overdue. She thinks I'll go VERY close to my due date! The good news is that she's the OB that delivered Bella and I loved her mellow demeanor and she's on call the weekend that I'm due... so we'll see!

Anxiously awaiting...

2011-03-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

I've been tortured and tormented to post more nursery pictures and while it's still not fully complete (yep, we're still missing the main attraction which is the baby!), it's pretty close to done so I'll share with you some of the goodness. Ryan and I are both really happy with how it's turned out. Below is one side of the room. The chair is super comfy and borrowed from my sweet sister in law, it'll be where the little man and I spend many hours once he arrives. The dresser is fully complete, paid $35 on craigslist and Ryan and I labored hours over painting, sanding, scraping and finishing and we LOVE it! The car seat is propped right under the hospital bag so we don't forget it :) The changing pad is the one I dyed orange, although not the total shade I wanted due to the super soft fabric, it's still acceptable and I like it.

Below is the picture of the chair, the two pillows in the chair are ones I sewed and stuffed myself. I love them both but I especially love the way the patchwork one turned out. I wasn't too sure how it would look since I've never done anything like that but it works really well. The fabric used was left over from the vintage cars, which you'll see in a photo later in this blog.

Here's a picture of the other side of the room. The sheet I dyed orange, I actually dyed two of them. It costs about $13 and ONE orange sheet would have cost $30! I nearly fell over when I saw that and luckily it's the perfect shade of orange. The car pictures above the crib were done by me. A closer picture to come. The bassinet will soon more into our room once the little guy makes his appearance. The grass skirt on the crib was a labor of love by a 37 week pregnant mama (aka ME!) It was a total pain but the outcome as you see was COMPLETELY worth it!

This was the best picture I could get of the whole room. The curtains were altered by me and they were ones we had around the house that weren't being used. They work perfect in his room!

His name above the curtains. It's hard to tell in the picture but it's also scuffed and "vintage" looking. I love it!

Below is a close up of the cars. I cut them out of fabric, then hand stitched the windows and wheels on (you can see the different fabric) and then I modge podged the entire car onto canvas. This isn't the best picture of them but I LOVE how they turned out. I saw similar ones on etsy for $60 and I made them for about $10.

This is the surfboard that Ryan and Bryan (a friend) cut out of wood and Ryan's staining it. It was wet when I took the picture. Once it's complete we'll hang it above the dresser.

So there you have it, well mostly :) Any other ideas or things you think I should add? I found some cute picture frames at Kohl's that my mom and I will check out once she gets here. I'm thinking that if she likes them then we'll put them on either side of the windows in the room.... Now we only need this baby to COME OUT!

~Mama is 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant and had a really rough day

18 days, not like I'm counting

2011-03-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

So I suck, there's no new pics on our computer but I PROMISE I'll upload them soon :)

How far along: 37 weeks and 3 days

Total weight gain: 35 lbs, again not like I'm counting!

Inches gained: 15+ inches!!

Grayson's heartbeat: 140's today

Maternity clothes: see the previous post about everything hanging out... I have a nice cool breeze ALWAYS because my belly fits in NOTHING!

Stretch marks: I think I have 3 but Ryan swears they are just veins, my stomach has looked like a road map for months because the veins are so close to the surface. I'm hoping he's right but I think he just loves me enough to spare my feelings.

Sleep: I'm completely exhausted but I sleep like $hit with a capital S!

Worst moment of the week: constant back pain and heel pain (yes my heels hurt like hell for some odd reason)

Best moment of the week: Bella sticking quarters down the front of her diaper when we gave her money to put in her piggy bank. I guess why save it if you can stash it and then save it until you find the right thing :)
Movement: I swear he was kicking so hard the other day that I thought he might just bust the skin and come flying out. Today he's a little more quiet.

Food cravings: Clearly by the weight gain, I've had no issues. Even though I had morning sickness for 16 weeks :)

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks once in awhile. The OB didn't check me today since I requested not to do it. But he did say if I didn't go into labor on my own that they'd induce me at 42 weeks! I laughed and said "um well I'm counting on another 2 1/2 weeks max, there's NO way I can make it another month"... He laughed back but I don't think he realized how serious I am... thumbs up for a laid back dr but thumbs down for even having a discussion about me being knocked up at 42 weeks!

Belly button: completely flat

What I miss: the ability to move without pain

What I'm looking forward to: 8 more shifts of work before this mama is going on maternity leave

Milestones: He's still head down :)

Get out :) soon please

2011-02-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

sooner than later... I mean not too soon, like not today but soon.. I mean I'll be 38 weeks on Sunday and that's really close to full term and many physicians consider 37 weeks full term so I'm giving you, Grayson Ryan, your eviction notice a little early... like 20 days early to be exact. I'm nicely handing it to you to tell you to come whenever you are healthy and strong and big and ready... but not too big! I read my ticker on the side and it said "baby weighs 7lbs and all organs are ready"... um 7lbs. Last time I gave birth, I had a 5lb 10 oz baby. Did I mention I'm scared to death to give birth to a 7lb (or bigger if he stays put) baby?! Well I am but I'm ready! So there you have it the unofficial "you can come when your ready" notice. The official notice will come March 20th at midnight and not a second later!

The boy listens to his mama

2011-02-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Or maybe he just felt bad because he knew I've cried a couple of times since our last appt (2 weeks ago). I was scared to death to have a c-section. Yes I know women do it every single day but I would rather push a watermelon out of my vagina than have my muscles and uterus and god knows what else sliced and diced. Sorry if that was TMI but it's true. So moral of the story, the boy flipped! His head is now down and his booty is under my left breast hanging out :)

How far along: 36 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain: umm... well... 33 lbs...

Inches gained: 15+ inches!!

Maternity clothes: more like whatever fits, my maternity shirts now leave the underside of my belly hanging out so I'm fitting into whatever I can these days while refusing to buy anything else! Someday, I will be skinny again :)

Stretch marks: not yet but I'm sure if this boy keeps up his progress it will be soon

Sleep: um well very poor! It sucks, I wake up nearly every hour. My back is KILLING me!

Worst moment of the week: all the sleepless nights... already!

Movement: a ton!

Food cravings: Devils food cake cookies and well chocolate donut holes :) So pretty much chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate!

Labor signs: None yet. The OB had every intention to "check me" today to see if there were signs of dilation or effacement but I politely refused. I never made it to the point to be checked with Bella and honestly it wouldn't have made any difference anyways. If I was dilated to a 1 or a 4, it could still mean another day or another 2 weeks... the OB actually agreed!

Belly button: Still completely flat but not out!

What I miss: sleep and energy!

What I'm looking forward to: making it through another day, each day passed is another day closer

Milestones: HIM FLIPPING!!

(PS I'll update with a picture soon, my belly is GIANT!)

It won't be like this for long...

2011-02-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

and someday when it isn't like this, I'll forget how some of the little things that I love so much. Bella has grown to every once in awhile letting us hold her in a cradle hold and rock and sing to her. When you get close to the end of the song (if she knows it) she puckers her lips and says "MMMMore". It melts my heart. Every single time she lets Ryan do it, I have to turn my head after a couple of seconds because I find my eyes filling with tears. My "tiny girl" is now 21 lbs and she hangs off the ends of your arms. There was a time in her life she weighed slightly over 5 lbs and could fit nicely in just one arm with plenty of room... that is no more.

She's a big girl, she's a toddler, she has pigtails some days, she knows what she wants, she's learning and growing, she's WALKING every where she goes, she no longer spends the days "walking" on her knees, she loves her bunny, she loves minnie mouse and elmo, she knows the to point the TV remote at the TV and she knows music comes out of the computer so she can dance, she likes to point to the phone in the morning and say "tutu" and call my mom, she loves carbs and mostly turns her nose up at meat, she loves the bows on her bow board and she loves when she gets to pick them out and put more than one in her hair, she's going to be a great big sister :) she loves rocking in rocking chairs but mostly by herself, she loves her "little feet love book" and promptly takes her socks off so she can rub her feet on each touchy feely page, she loves "the barnyard dance book" and knows to "bow to the horse and bow to the cow", she loves feeding her babies, she likes wrapping her babies in blankets, she likes to back up onto your lap when you are sitting on the floor, she loves to squeeze right between your legs and see exactly what you are doing (like if you are writing a list or reading a magazine), she likes to tell you no when you ask for kisses and gets a big smile on her face, she LOVES her puppy dog, she hates brushing her teeth and she hates it even more if you do it, she loves pictures of people that hang on the fridge and in the hall, she hates the car seat (like really hates it!), she knows to dig dada's wallet out of his pocket and say "money", she loves to take showers with her mama and when I sing to her in the shower she likes to lay her head on my shoulder (when I stop singing she lifts her head to say mmmmore then lays her head back down when I start singing again), she loves dropping things down the laundry shoot, she loves people and saying hi to total strangers, she likes to put her nose about 2 cm from yours and say "num num num" when she wants a snack, she loves flipping the pages of books, she likes to get in her brothers crib and play, she likes to walk but still chases us around saying "up up", she loves standing in front of the fridge and being nosey when the door is open, she loves when you kiss the side of her tummy and she giggles like crazy, she loves running around the house naked, she hates having shoes on when she's riding in a shopping cart... she's full of spunk and life. We are so lucky to have such a smart, healthy, beautiful little girl!

Bella Kailani,
Your mama loves you more than you will ever know. You will always be my first born, my daughter. The day you were born, the stars were all alined, you hung the moon that night and every single night since. You made me fall more deeply in love with your dada. You bring so much joy, laughter, sunshine and happiness to my life. You make me laugh like I have never laughed before. Each day I watch you grow, I discover something new about myself too. I fall in love more with your dada every day because of you and how you have brought us even closer than before. You are the light of my life. I'm weeks away from giving birth to your bubba and I know you will be the best big sister and the biggest mama's helper. We are all so lucky that you belong to us! I love you more today than I did yesterday, I will love you more tomorrow too!

Love,
Your mama

35/35

2011-02-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

35 weeks and 35 days to go, the countdown is on!

Total weight gain: 28 lbs

Inches gained: um a lot!

Maternity clothes: Yep, daily

Stretch marks: not yet but man is my belly look like a road map because of all the visible veins!

Sleep: um if you count getting up every hour on the hour sleep, then yes.

Worst moment of the week: Finding out that Grayson is still breech and if he doesn't turn we'll have to have a manual version or a c-section... um I'm not excited about either

Movement: The hiccups, often! And a lot of kicking on the right side of my belly. His head is situated under my left breast with his butt down in my pelvis.

Food cravings: Chocolate, brownies, lemon cookies... butterfinger... um the list goes on!

Labor signs: Let's hope for another few weeks!

Belly button: Totally flat but not an outtie!

What I miss: sleep, I need some soon!

What I'm looking forward to: meeting him, the end is getting near!

Milestones: tons of hiccups, I think its one of my favorite things about being pregnant! He has them way more than Bella did when she was in my belly.

Another GIANT milestone: Ryan was letting Bella run around without a diaper on and she said "potty" so he took her into the bathroom, sat her on her tiny potty chair and she PEED!! Yep she peed in the potty!! Big deal folks, big deal! We're so proud! Her daddy did a big time potty dance and called me at work right away to share the fun news.

What's in a diaper bag?

2011-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

Well a lot actually, when you are out with your baby/toddler or a combination of both, it's essentially your survival kit. If you are missing an essential item, it could send you packing back home early, which is no good!

Here's what's in our bag:
~For me: my cellphone, wallet, chapstick, pen, wallet
~For Bella: 2-3 diapers, 2-3 wipes, sippy cup, snacks, a few small toys, wet bag
and soon to be we'll be adding
~For baby: 3-4 diapers, 3-4 wipes, bib, change of clothes
~We also randomly have a "first aid kit" with diaper cream, tylenol, motrin, thermometer.

It doesn't seem like much BUT when you stuff it all into a bag, it fills up quick style! With that said, we're on the hunt for a new bag. Our current bag is a shoulder bag which is ok with one kid but with 2 kids I imagine I'd like my hands to be more free. It also fills up very quickly so we need a bigger bag.

I've narrowed it down to backpack style bags, ignore the colors, these are just the type of bag, not the actual colors I would want:

The above is a Petunia Pickle Bottom, boxy backpack style. I like that it's a backpack and it's good size. I don't like that it's cloth or at least most of them are...

The above is a JuJuBe Packabe. I saw this one in person and actually liked it a lot more once I saw it. It's a good sized bag. It could fit a lot. There are plenty of different compartments which I really like a lot. It was comfy on my back too, which is a bonus.

Just a typical Jansport backpack. The only real negative is there is not a side compartment for a sippy cup or a mama cup. It might not seem like a big deal but if you have a screaming toddler or a super thirsty mama, quick easy access to water is key!

This is the JuJu Be BFF bag. This was the bag I was sold on. I wanted this like I wanted my back to stop hurting. I love the way it opens up and you have easy access to everything inside of the bag (check it out it's awesome). BUT I read some reviews that when worn as a backpack (it can also be a shoulder bag) that it hangs close to your lower back but far from the top of your back. So I think it's out.

Now where do I go from here? Not to sure. Any suggestions? Tips? Any other bags that you think might be good for a mama of two that are both in cloth diapers *read bulkier than sposies*? I'm open to suggestions people!

Little things = big deals

2011-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Lots of little things are going on in our lives, some of it private, some of it, not so much. I'll share with you a couple.

Ladybug has decided to take up full fledge walking, like all.the.time! I'm so excited for her. Her legs bring a new perspective to her little world. They are like wings in this big wide world, spreading far and wide and opening new doors to a different horizon. She's discovering and learning and loving walking. For the past two days she hasn't stopped walking. It all started about a week ago that she was more adventurous and was taking more and more steps. Yesterday, something changed in her world, she decided that she wanted to be walking all by herself. My tiny little 5lb 10 oz stringbean is now a 21 lb toddling BIG girl with bright blue eyes that sparkle like the sun! She seems like she's really enjoying herself, she's carrying stuff around, bending over to pick stuff up without falling and then standing back up then off she goes again. Even though she's 18 months, she seems so tiny to be moving so quickly, to be such a big girl, to be a toddler! I love it, I love every.single.minute of motherhood and I love watching her grow and become the sassy, happy little girl that she is. I'm truly blessed to be her mama and I'm so glad she picked us to be her parents. My life is so much better and brighter because she is in my life.

As for other little things, Grayson Ryan has decided he likes his head nuzzled right under my left breast INSTEAD of my pelvis where he should be! I'm 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant and he should be getting ready to come to the light. Instead, he's settled into a cozy little spot. We talked about our options at the drs yesterday and in two weeks I'll be having another ultrasound to see if his head is where it should be. If it's not, then we'll schedule an "external turn"at 39 weeks. That's where I get admitted to the hospital, get an IV of some meds to make my muscles relax but in turn makes the rest of me all jittery and the doctor tries to manually turn Grayson around from the outside of my belly. I've done my homework and from what I've read it hurts like hell... aka not fun for me or for Grayson I'm sure! Either way, I've also done my homework on what we can do to get him to turn. We'll be working on getting him to turn before then. Did I mention that a c-section scares the life right out of me?!?! I left the doctors appt happy to hear my son's beating healthy heart and to feel him kicking but nervous as ever because of his position... time will tell... wish us luck!

How adorable is this?

2011-02-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

We're pretty much done with the bulk of Grayson's room. It's painted, the crib is up, the sheets are on, the changing pad is on top of the finished dresser, the rug is on the floor, clothes are hanging waiting for his arrival, the hospital bag sits halfway packed on top of his dresser, the sign with his name is nicely hung above the curtains made by this mama. What's left? Well decorations, of course!

As many of you know, I've been completely indecisive nearly this entire pregnancy... about EVERYTHING! About what to eat, what to wear, committing to naming him Grayson (which I always adored, I just couldn't commit until I was ready!), how to paint, when to paint, what to do to make the vision of his room come together to welcome him into his peaceful slumbers. Nearly the only thing I didn't hesitate on was knowing that I wanted his middle name to be Ryan... Ryan hesitated a bit but not me... I ADORE my husband, he's an amazing man, an incredible father and I knew I wanted my son to inherit many of his qualities, why not start with his name?!

So here I sit, debating what to hang on his bare walls... Then yesterday I can across this:

I LOVE them! They come in 10X 6 size and could then be put in a frame or on a canvas. Completely adorable! But my only hesitation, the price. Yikes $60 for them! I mean I'm willing to spend money on things especially handmade things but I think that's a little steep for a wall decoration... I'm thinking I can make something similar... am I totally nuts? No they won't be exactly the same color or have exactly the same stitching but they are hand sewn so I know I could do something somewhat like it... What do you guys think? Love it? Hate it? Think I should cave and spend the money? Think I should try to do it yourself and see what I come up with? Opinions please! Remember I can't make decisions!

~This mama is 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant with her son

When did I become the mother of an 18 month old?

2011-01-27T19:26:00.000-08:00

I guess it was a couple of days ago! I can't believe the little tiny peanut that I gave birth to is now a toddler, full swing, a toddler! WTH?! She's 1.5, that's halfway to two people? Did you hear what I said? My sweet little innocent ladybug has turned full circle, she's full of life, love, laughter, plenty of no's and "um no's", she's full of sugar and plenty of spice, she's a lover and kicker, she's got sass like you wouldn't believe. It's hard to believe my tiny 5 pound 10 oz 18 inches long baby girl is now 18 months old!

This picture makes me want to scoop her up out of her crib and peaceful sleep and just squeeze her until she pops. She took her shirt off on her own free will and was dancing to some music, in between us giggling back and forth she would take her bow out, tease me with a kiss and quickly turn her head while shaking it no and telling me NO loudly, then she would burst into this outrageous, contagious giggle! I think the neighbors might have even heard us :)

My heart is overflowing with love for her and the little person that she has become. I thought the early days of becoming a mother were the meat and potatoes, this my friends, is the meat, potatoes AND the brownies and ice cream!

Here's what she's up to these days:
~she's a carb eater, don't get me wrong she'll eat other stuff to but she loves her "toe toe" aka toast :)
~ she attempts to sign "all done" which means flailing her arms which attempting to say "all done" only to get out of her high chair and say "more more"
~ has taken up to 12 steps on her own (we're working VERY hard to get her walking on her own!)
~could read books for hours, her favorites seem to be the ones by Sandra Boynton (thanks Aunt CeeCee!!)
~can't decide if she loves elmo or mynee more (aka Minnie mouse)
~knows what a dog, cat, monkey and cow say
~has little red knees because she spends all day "walking" around the house on her knees!
~is a big time daddy's girl
~love Luna but gets frustrated if Luna is in her way
~sleeps from 7pm-7 am!
~naps once a day from about 12:30-2 or 2:30
~sleeps with a BIG bunny that Tutu and I made years ago at Disney and her fuzzy blanket made by Aunt CeeCee
~the big bunny is her saving grace and always makes her feel better
~wears 24 month clothes and size 5 shoes (which are a tiny bit big)
~drinks her milk and water from a sippy with a straw
~dances whenever she hears music
~points at the computer and says "dan dan" while shaking her whole body
~throws temper tantrums
~tries to be sly and hide food in her bib
~knows where her nose, ears, eyes, hair, mouth, belly button and teeth are
~ words she knows: mama, dada, shoe, num num (for food), elmo, apple, pup, up, no, purple, yeah, more, poop, bacon, pretzel, boot, mynee (minnie mouse), blue, keys, zip, eye, dip, ruff, meow, baby, owie... and probably more that I'm forgetting

12 steps!

2011-01-25T19:14:00.001-08:00

People rejoice when others finish 12 steps for many reasons, some are alcoholics and need the 12 steps to maintain sanity... Us on the other hand, we rejoice because our daughter took 12 steps on her own feet!! Not holding anyone's hands!! We need her to continue to take 12 steps or more for us to maintain our sanity :) It's a work in progress, it's been a work in progress for some time now but our tiny girl is growing into a big independent toddler right before our eyes. We are SOOO SOOO proud of you Bella Kailani! Walking or not, we love you to the moon and back! These steps are like wings, they will open up a new world to you and we are so excited to see the world through your eyes.

~Bella Kailani is 18 months and 1 day old

32 weeks, where did the time go?

2011-01-23T05:48:00.000-08:00

Total weight gain: 26 lbs, which is what I gained TOTAL with Bella!

Inches gained: I haven't measured in ages but I did wear Ryan's enormous snow pants (he wore mine instead- yes they are both unisex) and they are size 38... let me just say, they were SNUG!

Maternity clothes: Yep, daily

Stretch marks: not yet

Sleep: not so much, I guess I've hit the 3rd tri wall, where your body starts to prepare you for the upcoming baby... I'm waking up 2-5 times a night to use the bathroom and toss and turn. My back is killing me. Oh and Bella's been waking up too. I'm not sure if it's night terrors, bad dreams, she senses the upcoming birth of her brother, I'm not sure but I feel terrible for her!

Worst moment of the week: My aching pelvis while being on my feet all day at work, I try to sit as much as possible but that doesn't work so well when your a nurse

Movement: He moves so much that you can usually SEE it from the outside, that is truly the best part of being pregnant and I'll miss it once it's gone

Food cravings: I'm going through a nothing at all sounds good kind of phase, any suggestions?

Labor signs: Crossing fingers we can still get another 6-8 weeks out of the little man, although at my last appt my OB said "you won't make it to 40 weeks and you probably won't make it to 38, I'm guessing around 37"... way to scare me into overdrive to get stuff ready!

Belly button: Um BARELY an innie, more like a flatty :)

What I miss: Life without back pain and my Bikram yoga classes. This time I've had such a weak/achy pelvis that I stopped going a few weeks ago because while it was helping my horrible back pain, it was making the pelvic pain worse.

What I'm looking forward to: finishing up his room. His crib is up, the sheets and changing pad are dyed and in place, the closet is packed, I started sewing the pillow for the chair yesterday, I bought the letters to make his name on a plaque on the wall, we hung his curtain rod, I've even started packing the hospital bag. Still left to do: finish the pillow, sew the curtains, clean up the random stuff laying around from our million projects in there, finish the letters and plaque and wrap up decorating!

Milestones: Feeling him move ALL day long! Oh and Bella taking 5 steps in a row the other day! She still prefers walking on her knees but she's working at actually walking more :)

~Mama is 32 weeks pregnant

What's next?

2011-01-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

The crib arrived earlier than scheduled which sent me into a mild panic... was UPS trying to tell me that my son was going to arrive early?! It also sent me into a mild panic that holy $hit we're about to have 2 kids under the age of 2, have we lost our minds? Oh yeah that's right we haven't lost them yet but very soon we will be! :) Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade my life or my family for the world, I love it, I love the madness, the craziness, the endless amounts of love and the constant laughs. I love it all.

The walls in the nursery are painted, the dresser is done, the crib is here (to be set up tonight), the sheets are dyed, the mattress is here, the changing pad cover to be dyed today (no rest for the weary!), the baby book is purchased, clothes are hanging in his closet, his diapers are ready to go.

What's next? Well we need to actually put the diapers in the dresser. I need to figure out what else we need to buy to get ready. I know there's a few things like a couple of more diaper covers, a trash can for our dirty diaper "pail", pail liners and room decor... oh yeah that's where I'm stuck... the room decor. I still have that vintage idea in my head, like a vintage surf/beach theme but not overboard with the "theme" thing. My computer is not recognizing the newest upload so I'll have to say, the dresser is an off white kind of color and totally vintage/distressed looking. The crib is expresso colored.

Here are my ideas for other stuff to hang on the wall... all of which I'd have to make on my own, which isn't that big of a deal. Here are some pictures and I'm hoping that you guys will look at them and give my some feedback.

Love the vintage look of this old board.

Love the grass skirt used for the bedskirt and the windows.

Again, love the grass skirt for the window and I also love the palm tree in the corner

Love the vintage feel of this art, not the words really but I like the look.... any words you can think of to replace what she has?

Hate the spongebob, love the netting on the wall with all of the life rings, hooks and anchor.

Another cute surfboard.

Love the top nursery, it's not over the top with a theme but it still is relaxing and calm and gives a beach vibe.

Saw this fabric and couldn't decide if I liked it enough to make a pillow for the chair in his room... thoughts? opinions?

I thought this might be cute hanging from one of the corners for the room.

I love the "coast" sign but instead of it saying coast I thought about having a sign that says Grayson... hmmm...

I love the look of this picture. Not necessarily the saying on it but the way it looks like there's different layers.

A cool picture of surfboards.

Yet another cool surfboard picture.

A picture of the front of one of the drawers on the dresser. Hopefully I'll get a real picture of the whole thing soon. It's amazing, or at least we think so!

What are your favorites? What are your least favorites? Any other links that you think I should see? HELP ME decide!!

Watch out, here comes trouble!

2011-01-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

Bella consistently took 3 steps at a time on her OWN yesterday! She's take a step here or there before but not multiple steps. We're so excited for her and for us, it gives us a glimmer of hope that she might be full on walking on her own two feet before her brother gets here.

I seriously thought she'd be walking closer to a year old but she's taken her sweet time. I even asked the dr about it because I was concerned. She said "well if she walks behind toys and pushs them then that's considered walking"... really?! So I clarified "Doc you realize I'm pregnant and I NEED her walking on her own two feet by the time this baby comes!" She laughed and said "well she's walking now"... ugh point taken! Whatever.

It's funny because Bella is SO independent about certain things like feeding herself or putting shape blocks into their toys, or stacking toys. If you touches something that she wants to do herself, she screams in anger. Did I mention she's full of spunk, fun, sass and personality?! She constantly keeps us entertained. Having kids is hard work but every minute is worth it. The discovery, the curiousity, the screams, the fits, the tantrums, the exploration, the mind reading, the new words and new adventures... Every second of every day is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So yesterday we were at the mall and she wanted to walk. I let her get out of the stroller she grabbed my hand and off we went. She walked holding my hand for quite sometime. That was the first time she'd taken interest in walking around when we were out so we're making progress. It was so fun to watch her be so interested in walking on her own and be out of her stroller exploring the world on a different level, taking in new things every step of the way. Will she be walking before she's 18 months old? Will she be walking before her brother gets here? Time will tell... in all honesty, I'm ready for her to walk but I'm not ready for her to keep growing up. Each step she takes is a step closer to more independence and that scares me!

~Bella is 17 months and 3 weeks old
~Mama is 2 days shy of 31 weeks pregnant with Grayson

Oh son

2011-01-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

Grayson Ryan,
Mama loves you to the moon and back already and I've only known you for 30 weeks where you've been cozy inside of my tummy. I can't imagine the love I'll feel once I hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face, nurse you for the first time or watch the rest of our family fall madly in love with you. Your big sister rubs my tummy and says "Bay-bee" and she loves to kiss my tummy. When I say "where's baby brother? Where's baby Grayson?" She lifts up my shirt and rubs my belly, she knows where you live but I'll be in awe to watch her meet you for the first time. I can't wait to have that moment. I can already picture it in my mind, the four of us together in the real world for the first time. I know exactly how I want it to be too :) Mama's a planner! She wants Daddy to bring sister and have the four of us share some quiet, peaceful moments together, loving, laughing, growing as one.

But son, there is one thing I need to share with you... Listen up! My bladder is NOT a trampoline, I repeat, my bladder is NOT a trampoline, please refrain from jumping on it, kicking it, punching it or bouncing around on it. There is plenty of room in there for you to move around... or at least I hope there is... swing off my ribs for a change. My bladder needs a break child! It's hard to make time to pee every 15 minutes!

Daddy and I have been enjoying watching you move in the evening. It seems like around 8:30 pm you are in full swing, practicing your kick boxing, your soccer skills, your bladder jumping abilities. Such a show off at such an early age and we love it! I've been fully embracing feeling you on the inside and watching you on the outside. It's completely amazing son! Daddy and I watch my belly shake from side to side and especially the left side where you seem to make the most action. It's SO fun to just kick back, let my belly hang out and watch you do your tricks. I can't wait to see what you'll be like when I finally get to hold you in my arms.

Moral of the story, we love you, we love that you are super active, we are fascinated by you already but try not to be such good friends with mama's bladder!

All of my love,
Your 30 1/2 week pregnant feeling as big as a house mama

Meet my dad

2011-01-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

This is when he met his granddaughter for the first time, he just held her and stared. Secretly, as you'll see in the picture below, he was over the moon.

Can you see what I mean? Yep, it was love at first sight. She's not his first grandchild and she certainly won't be his last or his only but he loved her from the minute his eyes saw her tiny little body, her dark brown hair, her sweet little face, her string bean little self, my little lady bug. Her PaPa John loves her even if she just broke his heart on our recent trip to KC by keeping her distance. She can be a very shy girl and she goes most easily to woman... her daddy is her #1 man.

Speaking of daddy's being a little girl's #1 man, for so many years my daddy was MY #1 man and to this day, he holds a very special place in my heart. No one can replace that spot, not a husband, not a son, not a grandpa, NO ONE! It will be his spot until the day I die, many years from now. So where's this post going? Well my dad had a cat scan and it showed a new growth on his lung in the past 6 months. It's the size of a golf ball... not a marble but not a grapefruit, it could be better, it could always be worse. His insurance is like every insurance and denied the pet scan, they want to skimp at any cost, even death. Sad for me as a health care professional myself, I'm saving people and insurance companies are killing them, nice that we pay such great premiums huh?! Anyways, I've advised him to call his doctor and put a firm boot in his nice little butt and say that "waiting it out" until his follow up, is completely unacceptable! He says he's calling tomorrow, he better be!

So I'm asking this of all of you, do what you do... send positive thoughts, meditate to Buddah, pray to God, cross your fingers AND your toes, do your thing, whatever that thing may be, I respect it. Just please, for him, for me, for his grandchildren, for his wife and all the friends and family that love him, just do it! Oh and while your at it, let's see if all of these thoughts, prayers, meditations, crossing of things, will get him to quit smoking too.

See dad, I love you, more than you'll ever know. I'm growing my son. I've already given you a granddaughter and one hell of a son in law... I'll be baking more babies later... start taking care of yourself, today, RIGHT NOW!! Call the insurance company, stop smoking, start exercising, do something. I love you, Sis

~I am 30 1/2 weeks pregnant and Grayson's home is on top of my bladder

Holy Holidays!

2011-01-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Holy Holidays were my exact words as my Ob entered the room today. According to the scale, it appears I really had a great holiday or at least I enjoyed the food :) Whatever, it is what it is and I'm growing Grayson, so really as long as he's happy and healthy in there, that's all that really matters. According to her, he is and I shouldn't worry about the gain. I'm not! :)

In the meantime, I introduce you to my new love:

He's a beauty, isn't he? I found this picture online and it was love at first sight. I'm having this love affair with all things vintage, old school, distressed, aged... call it what you will but it's got a piece of my heart. Maybe I was meant to wear long dresses with my hair in braids after all! I've had this idea to have Grayson's room be a "vintage surf" kind of theme for awhile now but Ryan doesn't want the "surf" part to overcome the room. Bella's room doesn't have a real theme (have I posted pics of that before? if not, let me know and I will) and we'd like to do the same for his room. It allows the baby to not have a "baby" room and them to grow into the room until they decide their own interests (and let's all pray hard that it's NOT winnie the pooh!) So we bought a dresser on craigslist for a great steal of $35 and have opted to refinish it. Cheers for going green and recycling AND saving money AND hopefully recreating the beauty of a finish of that little stand above... any tips? We think we have some ideas but we'll see.

This paint chip is the color of Grayson's room from the website, it doesn't nearly do it justice but it gives you an idea. We're accenting with "tangerine" colors and I'm going to be dying my own crib sheets because mama wants tangerine sheets and orange/tangerine sheets are over $20 a piece and I'm not about to pay that!

here's the rest of the update on the OB visit:

Total weight gain: Hello 24 lbs!

Inches gained: according to my dad, ah trusty ole dad, I'm wide... Thanks pops!

Maternity clothes: Yep, daily

Stretch marks: not yet

Sleep: well Bella's been sleeping until about 7:30 and I seem to get my best sleep from 5am-7am so on my days off, I'm really enjoying that 2 hour window

Worst moment of the week: Facing off with the scale

Movement: He's a busy guy

Food cravings: clearly everything!

Labor signs: Crossing fingers we can still get 10 weeks out of the little man

Belly button: Um BARELY an innie, more like a flatty :)

What I miss: Well Bella's come back around and finally likes me again so that's great!

What I'm looking forward to: finishing this dresser that we bought, I sanded about 60% of it tonight! I'm hardcore!

Milestones: We're on every 2 week OB visits now, yikes!

~Mama is 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant

83 days!

2010-12-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

Oh $hit!! Ryan's cutting in the nursery tonight and rolling it out tomorrow. I can't wait to share it with all of you. It's a beautiful color and I'm totally in love with it. It's funny when we painted Bella's room and the first swipe of paint when on the wall, I felt exactly the same way. I remember the way my blood raced through my veins with the excitement of the new life to come and fill the room. Pictures to come, stay tuned!

I'm committed

2010-12-26T18:04:00.000-08:00

I've finally committed to naming our son Grayson Ryan. I love the name but was a bit hesitant after someone mentioned that they had a friend who's daughter's name was Gracin. I wanted our son to have a strong, masculine name. It's the one and only name that we agreed to for a boy when we were pregnant with Bella and fell in love with it. Then we found out Bella was a girl so Grayson went out the window, until now! It's still the name we are in love with, it's still the one and only name for a boy that we both 100% agree on. I mentioned to Ryan that we should include his name in our son's name, at first he wasn't sold but now I'm pretty sure he's convinced and even likes the idea of having his son named after him. Now it's starting to be crunch time. We're 28 weeks down with 12 to go if we're lucky. Bella was born at 35 weeks so I plan to be fully ready for his arrival by 35 weeks, just in case. We still have a ton to do, here's a few of those things: move the spare bed downstairs, clean out the closet, buy a crib, buy a dresser, paint and decorate his room and buy a few more outfits and some "boy" diaper covers :) It's crunch time ladies and gentlemen!

The rest of the update:

Total weight gain: I'm guessing about 20 lbs or close to that.

Inches gained: 13 inches!

Maternity clothes: Yep, daily

Stretch marks: not yet but I'm guessing this big boy is going to do some damage

Sleep: well I've been shifting back and forth between day and night shift for the holiday so it's been pretty crummy to say the least.

Worst moment of the week: Bella's sick. She's thrown up twice and had diarrhea for days. She's still eating and drinking like a champ but she has the major tummy bug that's been going around and it sucks... Oh and did I mention she's a TOTAL daddy's girl. She crawls around the house hunting for him and kisses and cuddles him. She kicks, pinches and bites me, it's like she thinks I'm the devil. I think she forgot the warm house that held her for 8 months (aka my womb) and the warm milk that filled her tummy made fresh from her mama! little stinker!

Movement: He used to move around down low in my belly and now he's all over!

Food cravings: none really, nothing really sounds all that good...

Gender: we're still team penis and that's not changing!

Labor signs: let's hope not for 12 more weeks, this mama has stuff to do!

Belly button: Um BARELY an innie, more like a flatty :)

What I miss: having my daughter love me :) I'm a little jealous it's true, I mean her daddy is a great guy and all but give the mama something kid!

What I'm looking forward to: getting his room together. I have visions in my head so I'm hoping it will all come together. I'm also looking forward to Bella walking, she's still "walking" on her knees. She will walk holding one of your hands but won't do it independently yet.

Milestones: Hitting my 3rd trimester, that means we're in the home swing and soon enough we'll get to meet our son!

~Mama is 28 weeks pregnant and Bella is 17 months and 2 days old

T-15 hours

2010-12-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

and we'll be in Kansas City! I'm a nutcase just thinking about it. There's a plan chalk full of things to do each and every day we're there. It'll be a surprise if I see any person more than twice. It's going to be BUSY! Wednesday, fly in, pray to GOD my child naps so that I and Daddy can nap too, dinner with Ginny, Stephen, Ricky Dean and Jen. Thursday- hang with my mom (I'm hoping to make homemade sugar cookies with homemade icing- I'm craving them!), hang in the evening with my sister, my nieces and if I'm lucky, one of my nephews. Friday- Christmas with dad and the fam. Saturday- some free time in the morning then out to mom's after nap so Bella can be well adjusted and do well while we're at Leslie's wedding that night. Sunday- wake up at mom's and Christmas with her fam. Monday- leave bright at early at 9 am and get home by 11. Tuesday- no rest for the weak, back to work for me! Yep, insanely busy as usual. It's so fun to see everyone and spend time hanging with everyone. Only problem, I need a vacation from the vacation when I get back!

Goals for the trip: Not forget the bunny and the blanket (these are UBER important!), enjoy everyone, not get stressed out, not get pressured into doing things I don't want to do, eat at Manny's, eat mushrooms from 54th street, eat at the two places Ryan saw on the Food Network, relax and laugh with the kids, be sure Bella gets naps and good sleep (that= happy mama and daddy!) take Bella to the mall to play at the play area so she can have some fun out of the house.

Baby Hollywood

2010-12-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

Meet Baby Hollywood, also known as Bella Kailani, Ladybug, Bug.... She's a rockstar and this is how she rolls, straight out of bed in her pj's, fur coat, sunglasses and a baseball hat. She's quite stylish in case you didn't already know that :) I can't imagine loving someone more than I love her. It's hard to believe she's going to have a baby brother and I know that I'll love him just as much as I love her. My heart will be overflowing with joy, happiness and love. She's sassy and sweet and she's all ours! We love her and can't wait to see if baby G is also a baby hollywood!

Speaking of Baby Grayson, he had the hiccups this morning when I was at work. Being pregnant is work folks, it's not always a walk in the park... my back hurts, I can't get comfortable, my pelvis feels like it could split open at any second, the super happy happy trail, sleep- what's that?, being BFF's with Docusate, my belly is the house of a human, my bladder is a trampoline, my hips feel the size of Texas... BUT just but, it's the most incredible thing in the whole planet! Bella only had the hiccups once that I noticied, it was during one of our birthing classes. It was quite entertaining, we were trying to listen and be serious and every time she would hiccup, I would laugh. Today, I was rounding with some doctors and he started having them. I had a huge grin on my face, my hand rested on the right side of my belly so I could feel him from the outside too... I relished in the moment. I completely embraced it and enjoyed each and every hiccup. I wish he had the hiccups more just because it makes me smile madly!

With all the craziness that goes along with pregnancy, I honestly think it's the best thing about being a woman. I get to carry a child in my body, I get to have two hearts beat inside of me, I get to feel a tiny human-OUR tiny human kicking and moving inside of ME, I get to embrace hiccups, I get to give birth and nurse another baby, I get to make my husband a father. It seems a little insane but I'm kind of looking forward to the experience of laboring and delivering another baby. Yes labor is hard, it's difficult, it's painful but it's also completely incredible too, at the end of it, you get to hold the best gift known to man. You get to hold your tiny baby close to your body and know that YOU brought life into this world. You get to love to the ends of the earth and back. You get to fall in love like you've never felt before. To be honest, I'll be a tiny bit sad when our family is complete. I enjoy being pregnant, I enjoy the process of growing a child, I enjoy labor and delivery, welcoming new life into the world and I enjoy nursing my babies.

~Bella Kailani is 16 1/2 months old and mama is 26 weeks and 2 days pregnant

Things to do with a toddler Bonus- reviews included

2010-12-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

We've been hunting around for things to do in the winter (actually all year but specifically now since it's cold out and we can't enjoy the outside) with our Ladybug. She's 16 months old people! We've certain she's tired of seeing our faces 24 hours a day and the walls of our comfy cozy home. She's bored with her toys, I'm not sure how that's possible but it is. She chases us around the house saying "mama up, up", "dada up, up" and we end up carrying her around the house and doing random silly things. We're hoping to explore the area around us and figure out some fun things to do that we can all enjoy.

Last week we ventured out to the Betty Brinn Children's Museum. We really had a great time and Bella's the PERFECT age for some of the stuff there. The cost is $6 per adult and kids over the age of 1. Honestly, I'm not sure kids under the age of 1 would even enjoy much of what it has to offer. However, for us, it was FREE due to a partnership they have with my work! Which is a big bonus if you ask me! Overall, this was a GREAT place to take Bella and we'll be sure to go back here again! Here's more:

Pros:
-free
-A small area geared toward toddlers with small slides, puzzles, a kitchen, sand table, train table, padded area for kids to play in, musical toys and more
-Areas for older kids (I would say younger than 8 would enjoy it most)
-An art area for drawing and coloring
- Kohl's kids healthy move area- Bella really enjoyed going through this with her daddy
-"Bigger" store/kitchen area with pretend money- she LOVED the fake money
-all kinds of toys with steering wheels which she really liked
-Lots of other kids around for her to interact with
-"Tot time" on Thursdays (we didn't do this but do plan on trying it)

Cons
-Parking is $3 for 4 hours and is about 2 blocks away, it's a COLD walk with a toddler even if she's all bundled up
-The "close" parking which is right out front is 25 cents for 15 minutes!
- Can be VERY busy depending on the time of the day you go. Schools often take field trips here which could be overwhelming for a little one

Today we ventured to StoneFire Pizza's Mommy and Me time. We've heard mixed reviews about this from others and figured we should test drive it ourselves to get the real deal. Overall, we don't think we'll be going back here anytime soon. We think we'll try some other places first. It was ok at best but not fabulous.

Pros:

-a small continental breakfast

-A water table which Bella really loved splashing around and playing with, we spent a fair amount of time playing in here

-Waterproof aprons for the kids to wear so they don't get soaked

-One BIG train table that older kids (probably age 2-3) would enjoy, she liked it for about 5 minutes

-A little pizza area with a cash register, she LOVED banging on the cash register!

-A climbing tunnel with slides, she really liked climbing up the slide and going back down

Cons

-Cost, it was $5.25 for each adult so $11 for Ryan and I

-Not much to do with the kids, there are 4 really small areas to play

-When I said the breakfast was SMALL, I meant REALLY small, I'm talking cold cereal, tiny cold muffins, milk and juice, the end!

-For the one hour we were there, there was only one other mom and her child

-The area they had set up for the "pizza kitchen" had a cash register, sink and about 4 fake food toys. They could add some more fake food and I think that would be much better.

Fuzzy belly

2010-12-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

Last time I had the happiest happy trail and this time I have a super fuzzy belly... well not really but the little "peach fuzz" stands straight up, I think it's a combo of the cold weather, static and the maternity pants panel. Entertaining to say the least.

Here's the latest stats:

25 weeks exactly

Total weight gain: 15 lbs and the little guy weighs 1 lb 10 oz.

Inches gained: More than 11! This boy sits so low in my pelvis! With Bella she sat so high, it was like having a nice push up bra on all the time!

Maternity clothes? Daily!

Stretch marks? He's still holding out and I'm hoping he'll continue.

Sleep: Pretty much like garbage, I think it's par for the course. I mean are pregnant women supposed to be well rested when the kid gets here?

Worst moment this week: Wresting with my toddler to get her diaper changed. I think she thinks it's fun to make mama want to pull her hair out! No really it's like she's doing gymnastics while I'm attempting to wipe her butt and get a clean diaper on her, kind of like a circus sideshow, for real.

Movement: he's most active in the evening like when I climb in bed. I'm embracing all the little kicks and cartwheels, I really enjoy that the most about being pregnant.

Food cravings: Ah where should I begin? Chocolate, ice cream, OJ, oh yeah, there's more...

Gender: Still a boy but I did have her check again when I went in last week and had an ultrasound, I mean if she's there why not be sure. He was still happily showing off his junk!

Labor signs: Hoping to hold out until 39-40 weeks, I feel so unprepared!

Belly button in or out? Still an innie but barely

What I miss: when I sat up our tree after Thanksgiving I missed having my mom and Mark here. They were here last year and I really enjoyed it. We had fun and were laughing the entire time... (Hint hint, come next year!)

What I am looking forward to: Going to KC in less than 10 days!

Milestones: My mind just blanked, I'll get back to you on this one!

23 down, 17 to go!

2010-11-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

Total weight gain: I think about 12 lbs so far.

Inches gained: Are you ready for this?... you should be sitting down... 11 inches!! That's right folks this kid is all in my belly!

Maternity clothes? pretty much living in my yoga pants, they are pretty close to heaven!

Stretch marks? Not yet.

Sleep: The good news: NO MORE NIGHTMARES! The bad news: I have a really bad cold and it's been keeping me up tossing and turning

Worst moment this week: the cold for sure, you can't take anything while your pregnant and the list narrows further when you're breastfeeding so my days of good meds are pretty much over for the next 5 yrs or so!

Movement: He's a mover and a shaker, I think he's going to be in soccer or karate for sure!

Food cravings: chocolate cake donut holes... yeah real bad for you but REAL tasty!

Gender: We think we have a name for our little guy...***DRUMROLL*** .... Grayson Ryan. We loved Grayson last time and we still love it this time so I'm pretty sure we've settled in.

Labor signs: Thankfully not!

Belly button in or out? Still an innie but barely

What I miss: good cold medicines!

What I am looking forward to: One week until we see our little man on ultrasound again. It's so nice to see exactly what he's doing in there... cross your fingers that my cervix is closed and thick and that my placenta is moved away from my cervix. That's what the appointment is really for :)

Milestones: None really for the pregnancy this week but Bella's talking up a storm and trying to repeat most everything you say... she says "up" and reaches her arms up for you and now she's starting to say "apple", she says "app, app" and then points to her apples. She's also getting a little braver with the walking and she's looking more and more like she really wants to be on her own but she has yet to really take off!

3 yrs ago today..

2010-11-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

On this day 3 years ago, I was a week away from marrying Ryan. I was eyeballs deep in finish up our wedding plans, talking with our photographer, hair and makeup lady, florists, site coordinator and also enjoying my family that was flying in to share the biggest day of my life with us. I heard this song on the radio today and my eyes filled with tears... It's Carrie Underwood's Mama's Song and here are the lyrics:

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want whats best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama dont you worry about me

Dont you worry about me

It's insane how true and fitting this song is to my life. He is GOOD, he is SO good. He's the man that I needed in my life, to raise me up to make me a better woman. I'm a lucky woman, my husband is the answer to everything I dreamt of as a girl. He's everything I wanted and needed in a husband. He's mine, all mine and I'm so lucky to share this life with him. It's joys, it's sorrows, it's up and downs. I can only hope that someday Bella will be able to find a man just like her daddy to share her life with and that our son will grow up to be a man of his word just like his daddy.

22 weeks down!

2010-11-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

Total weight gain/loss: So far I'm up about 10 lbs.

Inches gained: A bunch :) I'm not sure the total but we have been measuring.

Maternity clothes? Daily! Or yoga pants or my velour pants. I've been looking for a few more pairs of both of those for several reasons, they are SO comfy and they are perfect for warm weather, the hunt for more continues!

Stretch marks? Not yet, but this sweet boy is laying a lot lower than Bella so he might do some damage...

Sleep: Well the past two nights I haven't had any nightmares so that's incredible. Coincidentally, I've been sleeping with the blanket that my Aunt CeeCee knitted for me. So I'm attributing the disappearance of the nightmares with the start of sleeping with the blanket. It's comfy and cozy and I rest my head on part of it and wrap the rest around my body. I'm hoping it continues to protect me from those nightmares.

Worst moment this week: Having a major meltdown because of the nightmares.

Movement: Ryan felt him more for the first time this morning. He got out of bed to let the dog out and I called him back to the room. He rested his hand on my belly and all of a sudden the little guy kicked again! Then AGAIN! So daddy got to feel him twice. :)

Food cravings: I've been terribly picky and nothing sounds good. Although I did have a craving for OJ.

Gender: Sweet baby boy, now we'll have one of each... until we go for round 3 :)

Labor signs: Thankfully not!

Belly button in or out? Still an innie but barely

What I miss: good solid sleep, I still get up every night around 2-3 am to go to the bathroom, seems like his home is right on top of my bladder. Guess it makes a good pillow!

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the little guy again in 2 weeks on ultrasound

Milestones: Daddy feeling him move for the first time! Oh and my nesting frenzy continues, we re-vamped the entire basement today! During nap time: we vacuumed, cleaned and reorganized the "storage" area in the basement, filled papers, shredded papers, organized some of my crafts and did laundry. Oh and we scored a rug on craigslist for Bella's room from Pottery Barn teen for $30!!

Nesting frenzy

2010-11-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

I've had this CRAZY nesting frenzy since I became pregnant with this little guy. It's complete insanity, I'm talking wanna-go-through-and purge-every-single-closet/space-in-the-house type of nesting... that's abnormal, like seriously abnormal! So far, I've purged my bedroom closet and completely cleaned our bedroom (although I still have to go through my jewelry and organize that). We painted one wall in our bedroom a beautiful, sexy, sensual, deep purple color and got a new duvet cover.

More nesting: I've cleaned out Bella's closet, there's still SO much more in her room I want to do. I've cleaned the hall closet, re-organized the pantry, scrubbed the bathrooms a million times, mopped the floor like a manic AND even on my hands and knees TWICE, sewed a blanket for the dog kennel, sewed tons of felt food, made a bunch of bows for Bella, started the cleaning/re-organizing of the million craft projects, started purchasing baby boy stuff (we scored a bunch of really nice boy clothes at a garage sale), Ryan re-painted the wall in the living room a brighter shade of blue.

We've also picked out the paint for baby boy's room (thanks Wilma!) and have started deciding on it's "theme". I'm against "baby" nurseries, I don't want something I have to repaint when my child becomes a toddler and outgrows some character theme or even worse, hates character themes as much as his mama. Bella's room is peaceful, beautiful, relaxing, warm, inviting... everything I had hoped for it to be. There's still things I think of doing in there but for the most part, I love it. I thought early on that if this little one was a boy, then I might want a vintage surfer kind of theme going on. Here's pictures of the research I've done so far, in no particular order:

Love the nursery with the blue walls and the added orange accents. The brown chair is calling my name!

I love the vintage feeling of this surfboard creation.

the giant surfboard on the wall is really a piece of wood that the crafter made into a surfboard, I REALLY like that!

Just a fun picture, I could see painting surfboards behind the crib on the wall... but not bright like this, more vintage/old school feeling ones.

This distressed dresser could make a great changing table/dresser. It's a little too girly but you get the idea.

Clearly this is a girl's room BUT the little stool is adorable and the whale at the foot of the bed would be a great hiding place for toys.

More surf theme stuff just to get some ideas.

Any thoughts on all of this? Any ideas? Wanna help feed my nesting frenzy/obsession?! Any cute surfer/vintage stuff that you think I might like? It's bad I know but it's fun, it's a good feeling to purge and get organized. I also love the warm feeling a home that's "decorated" feels, it's inviting, relaxing, cozy. That's how I want my entire house to feel! I feel like it screams Ryan and I's personality which is exactly what I was hoping for.

It's a...

2010-11-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby boy,
This is my first official letter to you. We've had plenty of chats but now you can have something for the record :) Life is SO busy, your sister is a crazy toddler, she's 15 months old and she's hard to keep up with! Right now, she's napping so I get to take some time out to share with you my thoughts and feelings. I'll probably cry through the whole thing because you've made your mama's emotions a rollercoaster!

I can't tell you how happy I am to have you, a son, as my second child. I was a big sister growing up and now you get to make Bella a big sister, so it's like I get to live my childhood all over again through the two of you. I can't tell you in words how excited that makes me. My mind races thinking about all of the memories of my childhood with your Uncle John. We had mad amounts of fun!

I can't wait to see what you look like or what your personality will be like. Will you play cars or GI Joes? Will you play in the dirt or will you love the mud? Will you be a soccer player or will you hate sports? Will you hunt when you grow up? Will you have dark hair like your sister when she was born? Will you nurse as long as your sister did? Will you laugh out loud at a young age? Will you have a "lovey" that you like to sleep with? Will you be a good sleeper?

You are one lucky boy. Your life is filled with people who love you to the moon and back. Your sister is an amazing little girl. There's times I watch her growing and learning and my eyes fill with tears... right now, she's sleeping and just thinking about it makes me cry. She's brilliant, she's absorbing everything like a big sponge. She's repeating things and doing new things each and every single day. By the time you get here, she's going to have so much to share with you, so much to tell you and teach you. She already kisses my belly when I tell her mama has her baby brother in there. She loves like I've never seen someone love. Your daddy... oh where do I start when I talk about that boy? He takes my breath away even after 5 years. He loves me, your sister and you like there's no one else in the world. He's a hard worker, passionate about life and happiness, giving, caring, dedicated to this family and our life together and most importantly, he treats your mama like no one has ever treated her. I'm blessed to have him in my life, loving me every day, making babies with him. He makes my life complete. I hope you grow up to be just like him! That wraps up the ones of us that life in your house... there are SO many more people that I can't even begin to talk about. Your grandparents, your aunts, your uncles, mama and daddy's friends... the list is unspeakable!

It's November, the month to be thankful. Today I am thankful for you, my son, for your sister, your daddy and all that people that love me and love all of us.

I love you baby and I'm holding you tight in my belly until you are ready to meet this world,
Your mama

Halfway there!

2010-10-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today we're officially halfway there! 20 weeks, where on earth did the time go? It's so different this time. Last time I was fully focused on being pregnant and enjoying every minute of it. This time I feel like I blinked and it's halfway over already. I'm embracing it like last time, but I just don't get to focus on it every minute of every day like I did when I was pregnant with Bella. She keeps me busy!! Here's an update on THIS pregnancy:

Total weight gain/loss: I'll find out tomorrow but I was up about 5 pounds

Inches gained: Total around 7 inches! It's insane, it's like the baby bump has a mind of it's own :) I love it!

Maternity clothes? Daily! I've been freezing cold so mostly I've been wearing pants, long sleeves and a sweatshirt. It's sad because it's hides the baby bump but this mama is cold! I could be wrapped up in a big fleece blanket any minute of the day. You'd think the baby plus the added weight would keep me warmer.

Stretch marks? Hopefully never!

Sleep: Mostly on my left side. I've had crazy vivid dreams this pregnancy but none about the baby specifically. I'm still making at least one trip a night to the bathroom

Worst moment this week: Gagging in a patients room during a dressing change. To my defense, the kids muscle and tendons were completely exposed and it was pretty crazy. I had a mask on so the patient didn't realize that I gagged but I did, it was bad!

Movement: I'm starting to feel him/her move more and more but Ryan still hasn't felt it yet. We've tried but he looks at me disappointed when I tell him I felt it and he didn't... soon I hope!

Food cravings: Tough, I love apples! Dried apples, caramel apples, honeycrisp apples, pork with apples... that's all I can really think of

Gender: Tomorrow 3pm we'll find out. I was thinking 100% boy but now I'm freaking out that I might be wrong. Not REALLY freaking out but thinking woah, what if this kid is a girl and I've been calling her a him the whole time?!

Labor signs: Thankfully not!

Belly button in or out? Still innie

What I miss: hmm... can't think of anything!

What I am looking forward to: Tomorrow and finding out if we'll be having a little girl or boy joining our fam, it's an exciting thing!

Milestones: Hitting the halfway point in the pregnancy! That's a big deal, only 20 weeks to go!

A feel good kind of family day

2010-10-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days, the days I love and live for. It was pretty simple and dreamy. Bella slept from 6:45pm until 7:15 am, write it down, scream it from the rooftops, it was a record at our house! I got up around 6 because well I'm pregnant and I sleep like garbage most nights and 6 am is just when my body is ready to be up for the day. So Ryan and I snuggled up in bed and then around 7:20, I left for 8 am yoga. It was a killer but it always makes for a great day when you actually drag your butt into the scorching hot room and do something productive and good for yourself. It was difficult but amazing and refreshing all at the same time.

I got home and Ryan had picked up Luna from the vet (she got spayed), we hung out, played in the living room, threw together some lunch. Bella napped and I worked on my Halloween costume. Ryan's is done! I know another record, I actually finished it in just a couple of focused sessions. It's not mind blowing but I made it all and that's mind blowing! :) Mine is a little more work. I should add that I'm not working off patterns, just working off crazy ideas that ran through my head. I still have another evening to finish mine. I should mention how much Bella LOVES her puppy dog! Luna got smothered in kisses and love from everyone including Miss Bug. They are like best friends and it's completely adorable. Bella was even hand feeding her tonight, Bella tried to sneak in a few kibbles herself and even tried to share them with mommy and daddy. Many EW faces were made and "yuck that's only Luna's food"... someday she'll learn!

We meal planned and grocery shopped. That's a big deal at our house, meal planning is KEY to successful dinners! Our agenda this week: chili, turkey tettrazini, crockpot mexican chicken made into burritos one night and enchiladas another, ribs and rice, sloppy joes at a potluck with friends on Saturday, Autumn Pork with green beans and garlic mashed potatoes (Thanks Aunt Cee Cee for an amazing recipe!), lasagna and salad. Our cart was fuller than I've ever seen it but meals for all of those days are going to be delish and worth every penny! We eat at home on a regular basis, neither of us are giant fans of going out to eat something that we can make better at home. If we're going out it's usually something special like sushi that we don't make at home.

We also hung out with Ryan's dad, grandpa and Joan for a bit. Joan and Tom just got back from a trip to Italy so we wanted to hear about it and we wanted Bella to see them. It was nice to visit with everyone and hang out for a bit.

We finished the night with chili and crackers and pumpkin carving. Bella LOVED the pumpkin guts and sticking her hand way into the pumpkin. Daddy gave her a spoon so pretended to be scooping them out and stirring them around. She also kissed the pumpkins several times, it was a total crack up with sound effects and everything. She kept trying to pick up the GIANT pumpkins and wanted to carry them around, which she eventually resorted to just rolling them across the floor. It was funny to watch her try to eat the guts and then make a disgusting face and spit them back out. I guess taste testing is always a good way to see if you like raw pumpkin guts :) She'd stick her face right at the opening and look inside and then giggle. It was really fun!

Today, Bella is 15 months old! I'm still in shock that she's that old already. She's doing all sorts of fun new things. She drinks a sippy with a straw, yeah that's what all the cool kids do :) She's getting half breastmilk and half milk right now but today will likely be the last day of that since we only have 8 more ounces of breastmilk. 15 months of breastmilk, It's a mama's dream come true! She's feeding herself with a spoon whenever she can get something to stick onto the spoon like oatmeal (which she LOVES). She's blowing kisses and gives kisses while making a "MUAH" sound. She's a monkey and climbs on anything she can. She's still not walking on her own but she'll push behind toys or walk with you holding her hands. She gives hugs, pats your back, rubs your head. Her favorite thing is to lay on the floor in the hall and try to peak under the bathroom door to see what you are doing in there! We let her play in the leaves the other day and she loved that! She was throwing them all around and laughing and then wanted to crawl around or walk through them. I think she liked the crunchy sound they make. She has 6 teeth and is cutting a molar too (ouch!). We're starting to brush her teeth (no toothpaste because the dentist said so) twice a day now just like we brush ours. She's actually really good with it and lets you do it. Then she gets to play with the toothbrush. We'll say "brush your teeth" and she puts her toothbrush in her mouth and "brushes" them on her own. Another new thing, she's a permanent fixture on someone's hip at all times. I'm not sure if it's because of the teeth or if it's just a phase or what. Oh and she topped the charts at a whopping 20 lbs even on 10/22!! She's still rear facing in her car seat and we plan to keep her that way as long as possible. She's a big girl these days!! It's hard to believe in 5 short months she'll be a big sister.

~Mama is 19 weeks pregnant (almost 1/2 way there!) and we're still struggling with names for this little one
~Bella Kailani is 15 months old!

How to deal with holidays

2010-10-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

It's been on my mind a lot lately, the holidays are right around the corner and as always things get a little crazy and a lot busy this time of year. Things were SO simple when we were living away, we picked the day we wanted to do the holiday (usually not on the holiday but some random day of the week), we picked the time, the place, the meal, the decor, all of it was 100% our decision. Sometimes we invited friends to join our festivities and sometimes we enjoyed it just the two of us. It was simple, easy, beautiful, refreshing, just like I had always dreamed my holidays would be as an adult. The only thing missing was family.

So here we are going on our second holiday season at "home". It's complicated, it's no longer simple and easy. The family that we longed for is now much closer, some of them only blocks away, some of them hours in the car or a couple of hours at an airport... It's no longer what I dreamed it would be like. It's different. There are other people to coordinate, there are big plans, big gatherings, confusion, chaois, attitudes (good and bad), gifts, laughter, fun and exhaustion.

I struggled with it last year and I struggle with it again this year. My husband and I disagree about how to spend them and what to do. He's a people pleaser and he wants everyone to be happy (which in my eyes is damn near impossible). He'd run himself into the ground and spend time racing between houses and gatherings, eating far too much food and passing out of the couch after a long day. He enjoys making people happy. I enjoy simplicity and making my little family of soon to be 5 happy (yep, there's 5 of us: Ryan, Bella, Luna, Baby and I). While I enjoy all of the people getting together, hanging out, eating food, laughing, talking, etc... I also enjoy lazy days with my family in our little house that we have made our home.

Last year we made the decision to spend Thanksgiving with his family at a couple of different houses hanging out. It was fun, we ate far too much delicious food and enjoyed amazing company. All the kids were tiny and everyone enjoyed seeing them and holding them. This year not much of that will be going on, Bella and Layla are on the move! The days of cuddling and holding are few and far between. We spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family at a big delicious dinner with people that we only see once a year. We spent Christmas day at home, just the 3 of us, it was lazy and relaxing and everything a girl like me could dream of!

We decided that we'd spend this Thanksgiving with my family in KC and then spend Christmas here but a wrench got thrown into those plans. A really good friend is getting married December 18th and I wanted to be at her wedding in KC to share it with her as she was about to embark on a new adventure in her life. She came all the way to Hawaii for my wedding and was a great help and my day would not have been the same without her. So our plans for Thanksgiving quickly changed and we made plans to be in KC for her wedding instead. We'd do a Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration with my family then instead. Hopefully it'll be chill and mellow and enjoyable and not crazy and rushed like days passed. Hopefully my mom's whole fam can come and share it with us and hopefully at my dad's it'll just be my siblings and the kids and dad and Kat.

So basically our plans were to alternate Thanksgiving in Wisconsin and Missouri and to always spend Christmas here. I feel very strongly about always being at OUR house on Christmas Day and not running around a bunch of different places. I did it as a kid and quite honestly, I hated it. I always felt like it wasn't my fault my parents got divorced and I really didn't want to spend the day at 4 different houses but I did for so many years and I think that's why as an adult I feel the way that I do. What I wanted was for us to do whatever it was that Ryan chose on Thanksgiving (since it is his family that's here) and we could do one thing on Christmas Eve (again his decision) but Christmas Day would always be spent at our little home.

Christmas Day is where we disagree. He wants to continue going places and I want our kids to be able to enjoy the day at home with their gifts, in their pjs all day, doing anything they want and eating anything they want. I dream of a big breakfast with eggs, bacon, pancakes, biscuits, gravy, orange juice, hot chocolate and Christmas cookies that Santa didn't eat :) He wants to share the day with more family. I'm fine with that if they want to come to our house but I don't want to leave. I want it to be like one great big pajama party... Can you picture Ryan and I and all the kids in ridiculous matching pjs?! Yeah it makes me excited!

What do you do for holidays? Is that what you WANT to be doing or do you do it to make everyone else happy? If nothing else mattered, what would you do with your little family? What is your holiday dream?

~Bella is 14 1/2 months old
~Mama is 18 weeks pregnant

Weaning: when, why, how, who

2010-10-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was thinking about trying to wean Bella and the mass amounts of people I talked to seeking advice or guidance of any kind. One friend's son self weaned around 10 months. There was NO way my child would self wean on her own, I knew it would take me motivating her a little bit. Another friend started weaning just before age one and weaned one feeding a week until her daughter was done, which was around 12 1/2 months. Friend 3, never weaned and is still breastfeeding her 2 year old, good for her but totally not what I wanted to be doing! Friend 4, weaned starting at 11 months and cut out two feedings a week, they were done by age 1. Various other people offered their suggestions for how to wean her but they hadn't done it themselves so it was really a shot in the dark. The La Leche League meeting I went to suggested "let her self wean", which in a previous post, I addressed... my child would be nursing until college if I did that!!

My goal was to make it to 12 months, at that point Bella was still nursing 5 times a day. Just before around 11 months, she was nursing 7 times a day, that's a lot for an 11 month old. We made it 1 year, 2 months, 1 week, 3 days (and I was 16 weeks pregnant at that point). I knew I wanted to make it one year but didn't ever think I'd actually make it that far! No one tells you what hard work and dedication breastfeeding is, especially when you are a full time nurse, full time mom and full time wife, amongst any other things I like to do/be.

So where do you begin? What was/is your breastfeeding goal? Do you force it or take it slow? Do you let the child wean on their own? Do you "encourage" them to wean? Why would you continue extended nursing? For you or for your child? Does your child ask to nurse or are you more encouraging/offering the breast to them? Why should you wean? Who can help you wean? How on earth do you do it? Those are all questions you have to ask yourself and think deeply about.

For us, several variables were in play. First, we had hit our goal and still had no plan. Second, I was pregnant and exhausted. I knew I needed to give my body a break. I was GROWING one baby in my belly and also continuing to help my toddler grow too. That's a lot of work for one body to handle! Bella no longer NEEDED my milk for her growth and development but it was satisfying to both of us. The cuddle up time, stroking her head and her face while she nursed, her rubbing my face or playing with my hair. At one point I thought, "my kid LOVES her independence and I wonder if she would care if we stopped nursing"... I knew extended nursing wasn't for us based on several things, her independence, my need for a little break, her refusing the breast a couple of times when I offered, my body's need to maintain and grow Bella's sibling. I think the most important thing was that I wanted us to have a peaceful end to the nursing relationship and for it to end in a good light for us both. I didn't want it to be dramatic or forced. We came to an end very peacefully and it was a good transition for both of us. Only a little emotional for the mama :) I think the thought of letting go of her being a baby was tough for me!

So here's how our story went... at 12 months she was still nursing 5 times a day! When she was ready to eat, she would pull my shirt and throw a fit if we couldn't nurse right then and there. This was going to be a process I thought! I started no longer offering it to her and giving in to her cues that she was ready to eat, which meant that we gradually were able to cut out a feeding here or there. Which meant that SHE was weaning on her own!! By 13 months we were at about 4 feedings a day. By 13 3/4 months we were down to 2-3 feedings a day, depending on her desire, if she pulled my shirt or lifted my shirt, I would offer and she would nurse. The next week, we were at 2 feedings a day, morning and night but I offered both of those to her :) Then a few days later, I stopped offering the night feeding to her and she would go to bed for Ryan on nights I worked without issue. On nights I was off, I would cuddle her, sing to her, and rock her until she'd reach for her crib, she NEVER tried to nurse at night once I stopped offering to her. Then I stopped offering the morning feed to her, twice she pulled my shirt and I let her nurse. Then after a couple of days, she stopped pulling on my shirt and would take her sippy cup without any issue. Since then, she hasn't pulled my shirt, she did once "suckle" on my neck when it was bedtime... it was bittersweet. The end of our nursing but the beginning of her becoming more independent.

Here's one picture of us nursing that I love!! Thanks Mom for taking it :)

Waiting... sitting, waiting, wishing

2010-09-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

You know that Jack Johnson song right "I'm just sittin' waitin' wishin'...." well that's what I'm doing right now. I'm nesting.... already! How on earth is that possible? I have 25 weeks left and I'm already nesting. My poor husband, my poor daughter, my poor family and friends. Certainly I'll drive them all insane by the time this kid comes out.

This is the first real day that I haven't napped when Bella's napped. For those of you that are mom's yourself, you know that the first trimester pretty much sucks the life right out of you (I'm still wondering how I can do this a 3rd and 4th time when naps won't be so easy with the first 2). I have it made, well pretty much, Bella is a pretty decent napper when she's home with me. As long as I stick to her schedule 100% then there's a strong chance that she'll take 2 naps a day. The first one is about 45 mins long and the second one is an hour or two. That's long enough for me to nap (like I was doing) or for me to clean (like I did today- rare, I told you I'm nesting!) or for me to blog stalk for fun craft projects.

I would say I'm pretty blessed with a strong desire to be crafty. My dad's side of the family all has interesting, crafty hobbies. My dad's is building things, my aunt builds things too (sad for me I didn't inherit their ability to work with wood), my other aunt is into kitting and all sorts of fun animal things and her daughter is SUPER talented in pretty much all things crafty. Like I said, I have a strong desire but I'm not truly that talented. My mom taught me to crochet so I've done that a time or two, but only knowing how to crochet blankets only gets me so far. I love to scrapbook but I need to clear a whole day out to do that, which doesn't happen these days. I really enjoy sewing, if only I was better. So far, I've done a couple of projects and they've turned out ok and only a few curse words were yelled in the process.

Today I blog stalked craft blogs (there are plenty on my side bar) and I keep coming back to that felt food... Guess I better make a run to the craft store when Bella wakes up :) In the meantime, I'll make a list of colors of felt and thread I need. Let the crafting begin!

Bella NEEDS this!

2010-09-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Seriously, isn't this one of the cutest things you've ever seen in your whole life?! It's a hamburger and french fries made out of felt. If you google "felt food" you'll come up with a million completely adorable ideas for this wanna-be-crafty mama. I know I NEED to take a sewing class but finding a time in my schedule that allows for me to take a 2 hour class that is pre-scheduled at JoAnn Fabrics is nearly impossible. Back to the cuteness, I WANT her to have it, she NEEDS it! Can't you just picture her sweet little face asking for it?

If not, there you have it, her and all of her glory... also known by her mama as her sass face. In that picture she's telling you "back off of my organic cheddar bunnies or else!!" Can't you see her ENTIRE arm is buried in the box?!

I know she's young yet for a kitchen or felt food, but if you know how I sew (at a snail's pace) then you'll know that I need to start on this stuff like... well yesterday! I've recruited my Aunt Nora and my dad for building her a kitchen so we'll see who gets here and who builds it first and I've recruited myself (what the heck was I thinking?!) for sewing this ever so earth friendly, non plastic, felt food. She MUST have it and I MUST make it... I can just picture myself in a couple of years playing tea party and chef with her in her tiny kitchen with her felt food, so much fun!

As for her, she turned FOURTEEN months old a few days ago! Where on earth did the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was holding her tiny little five pound body in my arms and watching her sleep silently and peacefully. Here's what she's up to these days:
~she'll taste anything that you put in front of her, if she doesn't like it, she promptly spits it back out
~ she wants YOUR food, even if she just finished eating hers and appeared to be done
~ stood on her own, twice for about 2 seconds and realized she was standing and quickly grabbed onto something
~loves playing with magnets on the fridge
~loves looking at pictures
~blows kisses
~gives high fives
~if you say "what does a dog say?" She barks twice
~LOVES her puppy dog and gives her kisses and lays on her belly
~cruises very well on anything and everything
~will push the stand up toys along the floor
~sleeps in her crib
~sometimes still wakes up once at night, whimpers for a second and goes back to sleep
~sleeps with her pig from Uncle John, a BIG bunny that Tutu and I made years ago at Disney and her fuzzy blanket made by Aunt CeeCee
~waves at anyone and everyone
~wears 18 month clothes and size 4 shoes
~still only has 4 teeth
~Nurses once a day only in the morning (mommy was sad to drop the night time feed but she did fine without it, which I think made mama even more sad!)
~Still has only ever drank breastmilk and water
~drinks her milk from a sippy cup
~dances whenever she hears music (she learned this from her daddy, they dance in the car)
~loves touch and feel books and board books, she loves turning the pages
~claps her hands

Passion and Paradise

Tiny bubs

A day in my life...

Randomness

My tiny boy isn't so tiny... wait was he ever tiny?!

The Serenity Prayer

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

9 months, wait what?

Sad night

Trick or treat smell my feet

7 months a little late!

The story of my one night stand

Happy Half Birthday my son!

worst Friday night ever

If Heaven wasn't so far away

Fabulous five

Turning Two

Thankful Thursday

The little big baby!

Thankful Thursday... on a Monday :) and an update

My first Father's Day without him...

Thankful Thursday (on friday)

Back to work

Thankful Thursday ( 2 days late!)

I left my kids with strangers-Part 3

Thankful Thursday

I left my kids with strangers-Part 2

Big boy!

I left my kids with strangers

Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful Mama!

Holy diapers!

Little Lovers

What I've been up to...

Happy Birthday to ...

How do you say good-bye?

Happy one month Grayson John

2 kids under the age of 2 makes for crazy days and nights!

Welcome to the world baby Grayson John!

How can I help you say goodbye?

Some progress is better than none

Anxiously awaiting...

18 days, not like I'm counting

Get out :) soon please

The boy listens to his mama

It won't be like this for long...

35/35

What's in a diaper bag?

Little things = big deals

How adorable is this?

When did I become the mother of an 18 month old?

12 steps!

32 weeks, where did the time go?

What's next?

Watch out, here comes trouble!

Oh son

Meet my dad

Holy Holidays!

83 days!

I'm committed

T-15 hours

Baby Hollywood

Things to do with a toddler *Bonus- reviews included*

Fuzzy belly

Last time I had the happiest happy trail and this time I have a super fuzzy belly... well not really but the little "peach fuzz" stands straight up, I think it's a combo of the cold weather, static and the maternity pants panel. Entertaining to say the least.

Here's the latest stats:

23 down, 17 to go!

3 yrs ago today..

22 weeks down!

Nesting frenzy

It's a...

Halfway there!

A feel good kind of family day

How to deal with holidays

Weaning: when, why, how, who

Waiting... sitting, waiting, wishing

Bella NEEDS this!

Things to do with a toddler Bonus- reviews included